Rebirth
by moonlite982
Summary: You can't erase the past. You'll have those memories that will haunt you on those bad days. But I am here to tell you that though life is filled with pain, there's healing. Along with healing, there's forgiveness and love that fills those painful voids. But you'll never be able to do it alone. You need someone that when you say "Stay with me", they say, "Always."
1. The Reason

_Hi everyone and welcome to my story! This is my first Katniss/Peeta story :) It basically continues where Mockingjay left off. I know there's plenty of similar stories out there but I decided to do my own. This story was actually inspired by Broken by Lifehouse, I read the lyrics and I saw the whole thing play out, I just had to type it up and share it :) This story has nothing to do with my other stories, "Wild Fire", "To Spark a Fire" or "Beauty From Ashes", although I'd appreciate it if you checked them out as well!_

With all that said, thank you for reading and please review! :)  


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_**"What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses."-Mockingjay  
**_

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_****_Ashes. All I see is ashes everywhere I go. All through town. In my dreams. Everywhere. I can't escape them. A constant reminder that my fire caused them. I let it get out of control. If I had only extinguished it when I had the chance. If only I had just let death take me when it was time. If I hadn't let my pride get in the way. Everyone would still be here. Prim, Finnick, Boggs, Lavinia, Mags, all of them would still be here if it hadn't been for my need to show the Capitol up. They would be safe and able to carry on with their lives.

But no…my fire turned wild and it wiped away everything and everyone in its path.

It's my fault, the constant echo reminds me as I lay curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor. I don't know how long I've been in this position. Minutes, hours, who knows? I'm a ghost of my old self. A tormented soul longing for peace that I know will never come. I've lost track of how many months has passed. Or maybe it's been days. I don't know. It doesn't matter. They brought me back after it was decided that I was a poor lunatic and the trauma that I'd endured during the war caused me to kill President Coin. They can think all they want. My mind was clear and I knew exactly what I was doing. But of course they let me live. Living was the real torture. The endless nightmares that haunted me night after night, reliving every memory over and over again, peace would never come. No. Not ever again. Living was my real punishment. It seemed fair though. I deserved everything I was getting.

I hear the door open but I don't pay attention to it. I don't move a muscle. It's one of three people. Greasy Sae, her granddaughter or Peeta. All of them in which I ignore. I thought I'd seen a small light when Peeta came by one day and planted the primrose bushes but that burst of energy only lasted a few days. Eventually, all the ghost and monsters found their back into my mind and pulled me back into the grave I deserved to be in. As if they were to say, "How dare you be happy when your sister and everyone else are dead because of you?" And they were right. So I let them drag me down once again and I never looked up since then.

Soon the figure is in front of me and once my eyes adjust, I'm surprised to see Haymitch. "Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." I mumble.

He smirks before wrinkling his nose. "Mornin', Sweetheart. You stink to high heaven. When's the last time you bathed?" He asks bluntly.

I roll my eyes at him. "Nice to see you, too."

"You need to get up." He says seriously.

In return, I ignore him. I look away and let more memories take me away. But evidently he's not having it because now he's kneeling in front of me and roughly grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him. "I said, 'get up'!"

I look at him wearily. "Ah Haymitch, I look at you and I see liquor bottles, brightly colored birds, force fields and the number 50." I say dementedly.

Haymitch flinches. "And I see a skinned bird with its wings tied together." He replies.

I laugh hoarsely. "That's an accurate picture."

"Katniss, that's enough. Now, get up!"

I sigh. "What's the point, Haymitch? I'm done. There's no carrying on from here. You know exactly how I feel. You're tormented by the same ghosts. You're best friend is the bottle" I say.

He narrows his eyes. "At least I'm making an effort to get up."

"Good for you." I reply sarcastically.

His expression softens a bit. "Katniss, you have to get up. You can't keep living like this."

"Says who?" I challenge.

"Says me." He replies quietly.

The corners of my mouth twitch. "Oh Haymitch, don't you know the Games are over? You can stop being my mentor now."

"I don't want to." He says with determination. "I'm not finished with you yet."

"Why?" My voice strains. "Why can't you just be done with me?"

He leans in and whispers, "Because I refuse to let another tribute die."

Tears fog my vision. "You don't owe me anything, Haymitch. I deserve this."

He takes my hand and says, "The hell you do. Don't let them win, Katniss. We didn't come all this way for nothing. And your sister sure as hell wouldn't want to see you like this." I flinch as he mentions her. It hurts to even remember her. He stares deeply into my eyes, searching for any signs of life. "I know there's a part of you that still wants to live."

"How?" I ask desperately. "How can I go on when it hurts so much?"

His eyes grow moist and it takes him a moment to find the right words. "Find a reason, even if it's just one and stand on it. Grab a hold of it and whatever you do, don't let it go." He squeezes my shoulder then stands up and without further word, quietly exits the house.

It quiet again. I dwell on Haymitch's words for quite some time. _Find a reason. _He makes it seem so easy. I don't know what my reason is. I feel so defeated and broken beyond repair. How will I ever find a reason when my mind is so haunted with memories and faces of the dead?

I look at Buttercup, the ugly cat my sister adored. He hasn't left my side since he's come back and oddly enough, I find his presence comforting. He's a part of my sister that I still have, for now anyways. "It's just you and me, Buttercup. Just…you and me." I whisper. Instead of hissing at me like he usually does, he cautiously wanders over to me and slowly lays down my feet and watches me carefully. "You're not going to let me go either, are you?" He meows softly and watches me intently.

Finally, the dam breaks and I begin to cry like never before. All the pain, stress, and sadness is overwhelming and I just can't take it anymore. And truth be told, I don't care. Waves of pain and sadness hit me, each one harder than the last and soon, I feel like I'm drowning. It hurts so badly, it's like I'm suffocating. Memories of my sister flood my mind, from the day she was born to the day that she died, they hit me.

"WHY?!" I wail as loud as I can into the empty house. I'm clawing at the floor, desperate to get away but I can't move. Instead I beat it hard with my fist until bruises begin to form on my arms and wrist. I wail and scream until I can't anymore and they die down to heartbroken sobs.

Out of nowhere, I feel strong arms wrap around me and I flinch. "Shhh, it's ok." A familiar voice whispers into my ear. I look up to see Peeta, who once again has come to my rescue and this time, I don't fight it. If there's anyone who understands pain and torture, it's him and once again, it's my fault. I never meant to hurt him. I never meant to take his family away from him. But I did…and now I don't have the courage to look him in the eye so I burry my face into his shoulder instead. "I'm sorry." I whisper over and over, my cries becoming muffled in his shirt.

He rocks me back and forth while stroking my hair. He lets me release my pain without ever saying a word. His arms are like a shield from all the bad memories that haunt me. They give me a break while I let all my tears. Eventually I stop but then the shaking and the shivering take place and I can feel the numbness taking place once again. Everything is going dark and I can feel myself slipping away.

"Katniss?" I vaguely hear him say my name but I don't respond. I can't. "Katniss?" He says again, more urgently and I hear him a bit more clearly but still can't answer him. He pulls away and moves his gentle hands to my face. I'm trembling in his hold and an occasional tear escapes my eyes. He brushes the hair and tears away from my face and stares at me with concern in his eyes. "Stay with me." He whispers softly.

I'm taking back in time when Peeta desperately wanted to give up. He was begging me to let him go, to let him die right then and there in the midst of battle. But I couldn't. Something inside of me couldn't let him go and remember whispering the same thing to him. _Stay with me…."_

In the back of my mind, I hear Haymitch's words. _"Find a reason, even if it's just one and stand on it. Grab a hold of it and whatever you do, don't let it go."_

I stare in the deep blue eyes that are filled so much concern and kindness and I once again see the boy that saved my life. And seeing that causes something deep inside my heart to answer his plea.

_"Always." _I reply, my voice barely a faint whisper.


	2. Teach Me

_Hey everyone! Welcome back! Thanks for reading! Reviews are appreciated :)  
_

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I guess I fell asleep because next thing I know I'm in a soft bed and judging by the sun that's shining brightly through the curtains, it's morning, probably around 9 or so. What happened last night? Did I just dream of Haymitch and Peeta or were they real? And what about my nightmares, my faithful companions, where did they go? What day is it? How long have I been asleep?

My ears perk when I hear something downstairs. Laughter? It's giggling coming from a child. Prim? No, of course not. Prim is dead, I harshly remind myself. Then who? Oh, it must be Greasy Sae's granddaughter. It's about their time to come over and make breakfast. But then something else catches my ear. More laughter, except it to belongs to a male. It sounds familiar but I haven't heard it in so long that I have a hard time believing it. But no, it's real and it's getting louder.

Finally, my curiosity gets the best of me and I get out of bed and wander downstairs. The laughter gets louder and is joined by on beat clapping; I stop at the doorway and peek inside. The clapping belongs to Greasy Sae, followed by Marie, her granddaughter, who's prancing around and dancing with Peeta. They're laughing and having a great time and if it were an ordinary day, this would be normal and fun but it's not and for some reason, I feel quite resentful of their happiness.

So like the killjoy that I am, I walk in and when they notice my presence, they immediately stop what they're doing. I stand there, without saying a word and the tension in the air is thick. "What are you doing?" I ask no one in particular.  
Peeta was the first one to speak. "Good morning, Katniss." He greeted with a warm smile then went over to the counter and held up a pan of cheese buns. "I thought you might like some of these. They're really fresh, just took them out of the oven."

His offer his sweet but all I do is look at them. It's just a bitter reminder of when things weren't so bad. "What are you doing here?" I ask quietly.

His smile fades but Greasy Sae cuts him off. "I think what you mean to say is thank you for bringing over such a nice breakfast." She says sharply.

But I ignore her and continue. "Why do you keep showing up with all these painful reminders of the past?" I ask then spot the vase that's sitting on the table. I walk over to it and gently stroke the petals of the achingly familiar flower. I pick up the vase and it trembles in my hands. Suddenly it's leaving my hands and flying towards Peeta's head, who ducks just in time. It shatters when it hits the wall, causing a loud noise that makes Marie scream and hide behind Greasy Sae.

"Katniss!" She yells at me.

Realizing what I've done, I shrink back and look at Peeta, who's standing there in shock. "I'm sorry." I whisper. "I think you need to leave."

"Katniss," he attempts to reach out when I step out of his reach.

"Please." I say, not meeting his eyes.

And like the gentleman that he is, he obeys. He gives his regards to Greasy Sae then politely bows to Marie. "Thank you for the dance, Miss Marie." She smiles and curtsies for him.

He meets my eyes one more time, his expression sad and concerned, and then quietly exits the room.

Greasy Sae sighs loudly and stomps over to pick up the broken pieces of the vase. I watch as she sweeps them up and throws them into the trash can. Maria retreats to her own little world. The happy little girl has quickly disappeared. It's amazing to see the transformation. In some ways, she reminds me of myself.

Greasy Sae roughly pulls out a chair then points to it. "Sit." She orders, which I obey immediately. She then places a plate in front of me that consist of eggs, toast and a cheese bun. "Now, you better eat."

I push it away and turn my nose at it. "I'm not hungry." I mumble.

She shakes her head and pushes it back. "Girl, I don't have time to argue with you."

"Then don't." I challenge, which was the wrong thing to do.

Her eyebrows furrow together. "You know, I've had so much patience with you, everyone has but it's starting to run out. You have got to get yourself up and start movin'!"

"What is it with you people always trying to rescue me? Don't you see that I don't care anymore?! I'm done!" I nearly shout at her.

"Not if I have anything to say about it." She replies stubbornly. "Honey, there's still life in you. Not all is lost."

I scoff at her. "Look around. Do you see anyone here? They're gone! All of them. They're either dead or they have nothing to do with me."

"You know that's not true. Your mom and Gale, they just couldn't deal with this place any longer."

"And I can?" I ask in a pained voice.

She lets out a big sigh and takes a seat across from me. "Katniss, you can't change what's already been done. All you can do is pick up the pieces and try your best to put them back together. But you can't do it on your own."

"Who do I have?" I whisper.

"You have your mother, even though she can't stand to be here right now, you have me, Haymitch and most of all, you have Peeta. At least you did until you threw that vase at his head. But I highly doubt that's going to stop him."

"I don't have the people who truly matter." I say with tears in my eyes. "I'm alone and I always will be."

Greasy Sae is not normally the one to be sensitive, so it sort of shocks me when she gently grabs my hand. "I know they wouldn't want you moping around here any longer. It's been eight months, Katniss. It's time to start moving on."

Eight? That long, huh? Eight long months since I've been home…I didn't know I could sleep that much. I guess I caught up. "You all make it sound so easy." I whisper. "You don't know a thing."

"You're right, I don't know a thing. That's why you need to talk to someone who does know what you're talking about." She says.

"And who is that? Peeta?" I ask sarcastically.

"Took the name right out of my mouth."

I scoff and roll my eyes at her.

"Why is that such a surprise, Katniss? Think about whose been with since the very beginning and is still here for you," she pauses. "even though you threw a vase at his head." She adds with a smirk.

"I don't know." I say skeptically.

"I think you should give it a chance." She urges.

I sigh. "I guess I could try." I say to make her happy. I really just want to be left alone.

"Try, Katniss. Start out small. Small talk." She chuckles. "After what you've been through, it'll most likely require some starting from scratch. It's not easy, by all means. But take it slow. No one expects you to be over everything in one day, but take it slow, day by day."

"Ok." I reply shortly with a nod.

Greasy Sae smiles then stands up and looks at the clock. "Well, we best get going. Lots of stuff to do today." She pats me on the shoulder. "Take care of yourself and I'll be back for dinner."

"See you later." I whisper to her back as they leave.

I think about the last 24 hours and the conversations and events they've held. There are things I'm sure of, like the conversation with Haymitch, Greasy Sae and throwing the vase at Peeta's head but what about last night? Was Peeta coming in and holding me close real or just a dream? That small moment of hope…did I really almost grab a hold of it? I don't know.

I spend the next few hours doing my normal routine. Well, if you call sitting at a table and dwelling on the past a routine, that is. But something is different. Something inside of me has stirred inside me and won't settle down. I'm suddenly aware of all my surroundings and I'm fidgeting every 5 seconds. I'm not content in position and I soon find myself wandering around the house. But soon even the house is like I cage and I can't stand it in there. It's too quiet and too lonely. For the first time in months, I actually want to talk. I have questions that need answers.

So what do I do? Where do I go? The only person that can really answer my questions is the one who was there through it all and that person is Peeta.

So, is this why I'm suddenly on his doorstep? I reconsider immediately. What kind of person am I, really? "I just threw a vase at your head but I still want you to be kind and give me the answers that I need." No, that would be awkward. I turn around and head back to my house, without any answers. They can wait.

But before I can make it to the end of the driveway, I hear his voice. "Katniss?" he questions. Startled, I turn around and find him standing in the doorway in an apron covered in flower.

"Hey," I say awkwardly.

"Hey." He replies skeptically.

There's an awkward silence between is. He's staring at me and I begin to feel defensive before I realize I'm the one who came over here.

"Is everything ok?" he asks worriedly.

I nod then look down, feeling very sheepish for some reason. "Yeah, I…I came here to apologize."

"Apologize? For what?" He asks confused.

"Do you not remember me throwing a vase near your head a few hours ago?"

For some reason, this makes him laugh. "Oh that. You still have a really good aim." He chuckles.

I shrug. "Not too bad yourself. Your reflexes have improved a lot." I smirk.

He laughs then shakes his head. "Thanks." His facial expression becomes serious. "Anyways, don't sweat it. I really should've thought about it before."

Now I really feel guilty. "No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have reacted that way. I shouldn't have treated you like that."

"Katniss, you've been two Hunger Games and a war. I think your actions are understandable."

I flinch then look away from him. Once again I'm flooded with memories from my horrid past. Different places, different faces, they all come to mind and suddenly I'm stuck in that…state again, where I'm numb and can't feel anything. I hear different voices, calling my name. Finnick, Rue, Wiress, Madge, Mother, Prim…they all call my name and I long to respond but I know they won't hear me. They're not here. But that doesn't stop their voices from ringing in my ears.

It takes me a moment to realize that I've zoned out and it takes Peeta gently grabbing my hand to bring back to reality. "Katniss," he says my name with concern in his voice. I feel something wet slide down my cheek and I realize that I'm crying. I me his worry filled eyes and he steps closer and places a hand on my cheek. Normally, I would flinch away but I don't move. Instead I take in his features. He has scars, just like I do. I see how scarred his hands are and in some places on his face. The doctors did a good work on him though as it's probably not as bad as it could be.

I feel his hand trace the scars on my face and neck as his eyes slightly fill with water. He finally shakes his head then takes his hand away and my skin suddenly feels colder than ever. "Why don't you come inside? I've got some cinnamon buns in the oven right now and I could use the company." He pauses. "I think you could, too."

I want to but I can't seem to find my words. But instead of waiting for me to reply, he stretches out his hand then searches my eyes. I look into his and for a moment I think that maybe, just maybe, the old Peeta is back. There's no hostility, no doubt, no torture. All I can find is kindness, concern, and maybe…love? Seeing these things are what gives me the courage to take his hand. He smiles softly then leads me into his home.

Once we're inside, I'm hit with the aroma of fresh bread and other pastries. It reminds me of the bakery. Just like old times. His home has a peaceful, relaxed feel to it. It's decorated nicely with beautiful paintings and decent furniture. He leads me to the kitchen and pulls out a chair for me like a true gentleman.

"Thanks for letting me come over." I thank him as he sits down. "I thought you'd hate me after this morning."

"Katniss, I pinned you against a wall and choked you. I think I can handle you throwing a vase at me." he smirks in amusement then turns serious. "Plus, I understand."

I raise my eyebrows at him. "You understand what?"

"Triggers. You're fine until you see something that triggers a painful or frightening memory and suddenly you either, panic and destroy everything in your path or, you shut down completely and it takes a miracle for someone to be able to reach you." He looks down at the table for a moment. "Sometimes it seems you won't ever be out of the nightmares. You won't ever stop hearing voices or seeing faces. It's hard to figure out what's real and not real. Who to trust, who not to trust. What's a nightmare and what's reality." He looks up at me and holds my gaze. "Then you want more than anything for everything to be over but somehow you're still here. You're living but you're not fully alive. You feel…trapped. And it's hard to believe that anything will ever be like it used."

My hands are shaking now and I'm trying to hold back my tears. He just listed every single thing that I'm going through and how I feel. But of course he does. He was the one who was hijacked and tortured, which was once again my fault. "I guess you really do understand." I whisper in a pained voice.

He offers a sad smile. "It's not something I really want to understand."

"Yeah." I mumble then look into his eyes. "So tell me…does it ever better?"

He considers this for a moment. "It depends on you, really. You have to make the choice to move on first. Not forget but go forward instead of backwards, ya know?"

"What do you do if you choose to move forward?" I ask curiously.

"You take it slow, day by day. Always do something to keep you busy. Talk to someone who can help you, especially when you feel like you're beginning to slip. Don't ever let it settle. It'll just give a chance for nightmares to be worse." He looks at me with a serious expression. "The most important thing to remember is to never give up. I know it sounds a little cliché but it's essential. Don't ever give up, no matter how hard or painful it is."

I'm listening to every word he's saying but for some reason I just can't wrap my head around them. I know what they mean but it just seems too impossible to do. Knowing this makes me frustrated and I'm fighting really hard not to cry. "You make it sound so easy but I just don't get it. I don't know if I can do it." I confess in a shaky voice.

Peeta gives me a sympathetic look and goes to say something but something else catches his eye over by the cabinets and an idea has sparked in his mind. He looks back to me then stands up. "Come with me." He says then takes my hand and pulls me up with him and leads me to the counter.

He then begins to take out all these ingredients along with a big mixing bowl. "Watch and pay close attention to everything I do." He says.

"Why?" I ask in bewilderment.

"Just trust me, ok?"

"No offense but I have no desire to learn how to make bread."

Peeta chuckles then meets my eyes again. "Trust me." he says firmly.

I sigh but eventually agree. "Ok, I'm watching."

He smiles then begins his work, his expert hands working their magic quickly with all the ingredients and after a few minutes of mixing and kneading dough, he finishes and sets it to the side. Then he looks at me and I raise my eyebrow. "Ok and your point was?"

"Oh I'm not even close to my point yet." he says with a mischievous smirk. Then he clears everything off the table, brings out the same ingredients and sets them in front of me. "Now, do the exact same thing I did." He orders.

"What?" I ask outraged. "You expect me to make bread?"

He nudges me towards it. "Get to it."

I nervously look at all the ingredients and even though I try my best to remember how he did, I know I'm completely ruining it when I try to put it all together. Finally, I give up and throw my hands up in the air. "I don't understand this. I'm sorry; I know I've ruined it. I can't do it."

Peeta laughs, which makes my cheeks burn. "What are you laughing at? You're the one who expects me to make bread by watching you just one time." I snap.

He put his hands up in surrender then says, "I'm actually laughing because you've barely touched the ingredients and don't worry what you've done so far is good." He comes over and talks me through the next step, which I hesitantly follow. "Good job." He grins. Then he talks me through another step and another until it finally comes together and makes dough. "You're doing great." He encourages. "Now comes the fun part. Kneading the dough. Wanna give it a try?"

I shrug then try to mimic what I'd seen him do earlier. My attempts are lame and unsuccessful as my fingers sink and stick to the dough. I end up making a huge mess out of it. "This isn't working." I say angrily at the dough then turn to Peeta. "I don't get it. You make everything look so easy but I'm just not following it."

"Relax." He snickers. "Think about this, Katniss. You don't learn these things in one day. I learned from experience, which includes training, perseverance, and failure. Someone had to walk me through it just like I'm doing with you now. I understand how frustrating it can be but you have to push through it and do it until it comes out right and once it does, you become more confident in what you're doing and start to do it on your own." Peeta smiles as he sees that I've begun to understand his message.

And I do, slowly but surely.

After a few silent moments, he continues. "My point is, there are things in your life right now that are scattered and don't make sense. You want to move forward but there are all these ingredients and steps that you don't know what to do with and you're scared that if you try to mess with it it'll just make things worse." He pauses long enough to take my hand in his. "But you've got to realize that you're not alone in this. There are still people here who care and want to help you move on. But you've got to be patient, listen and apply what you've learned. Keep in mind that hardly anything comes out perfect on the first try. It's not always going to be easy. Some days are going to be harder than others. You're not going to be fixed in one day but gradually, you'll begin to grow and be able to live again."

A comfortable silence falls into the room as I let Peeta's words replay in my mind. I understand what he's saying now; in fact it's clearer than ever. I find myself in another eternal battle. A huge part of me is telling me to take his advice and let him help me. But the other part, the darker part of me keeps reminding me that I'm nothing but a scarred bird with its wings tied together. Do I really have the courage to do this? Is it possible for me to let go of my need for control and let someone else help me? See part of me is arguing that I need to do this for Prim but the other says how dare I move on without her?

And suddenly I'm taken several months back into District 13 at the celebration of Annie and Finnick's wedding. There was a lot of singing and dancing but I didn't want to go because I was wounded and it hurt even to breathe. So I sat on the sidelines until Johanna came over and said, "Are you going to miss this chance for Snow to see you dancing?" I had an epiphany that she was right and that nothing would spell victory over the enemy like dancing through the pain.

All those people are long gone but the message remains the same. Taking out the people I loved most was cruel and harsh but in the deepest corner of my heart, I knew that they gave their lives for me because they loved me and if I took myself out now, all of their sacrifices would go to waste. And if I could do anything to prevent that, then let it be done.

My biggest enemy right now is my reflection and it's not anything to do with vanity. The physical scars were expected and can be hidden. But regret, sorrow, and the past are foes that I have yet to conquer. I know that they will probably be the hardest enemies to overcome.

It'd be so easy to give up, to stay on the sidelines and out of the way. To give up. But I refuse to stand aside and let my enemies control me any longer.

So I pick the dough back up and place it into Peeta's hands. Then I break the silence and my words seal my final decision.

"Teach me."


	3. Opening Up

_Hey everyone! Sorry its taken so long but I've been busy with school/work. I'll be updating once a week. Since it's Thursday, it'll be every Thursday :) Happy reading thanks for reading and reviewing!  
_

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"I don't think I'm ever going to get this right." I say as I take the burnt loaf of bread out of the oven.

Peeta chuckles as he opens the window to let the smoke out. "You didn't really think you'd have this mastered on your third try, did you?"

"I was hoping I would." I admitted as I fanned away the smoke.

"You actually didn't do too badly, at least it rose this time." He said while inspecting it.

I took a wooden spoon and slapped it a few times. It bounced back each time, never making a dent. I gave Peeta a look, he couldn't help but smirk. "So much for 'third time's the charm'." I muttered.

"Katniss, it took me weeks to get it just right when I was learning. I think there's room for mercy for you. You'll get it, I promise." He smiles encouragingly. "We just have to work on not talking long to take the bread out."

A small laugh escapes from behind my lips, which catches us both off guard. I haven't laughed since before the fall of the Capitol and even then laughter was scarce and if I did, it was either fake or sarcastic. It's not that big of a deal now, in fact it feels weird but…it's welcomed. Peeta smiles then squeezes my hand. "We're making progress."

I've been coming over for almost a week now. We do something different every day. Sometimes we practice making bread, which I'm determined to overcome. Sometimes Peeta will take me into one of the rooms he paints in and I'll watch him paint beautiful sceneries. It's surprisingly therapeutic for me to watch the painting come to life with each stroke of the paint brush. Then sometimes we just talk. Sometimes its petty things like the weather, then other times its deep things like life before the Games and the war. We haven't talked much about life during the war or the people we lost. It's still a really sensitive subject for me to talk about.

But the thing I love most about Peeta is that he won't talk about it unless I bring it up. He doesn't ask or press painful subjects. He's just…there. He's there to keep me company and to keep me from slipping back into darkness. I'm content when I'm around him, just as I always have been.

It's kinda funny…how it always comes down to the two of us. It's been that way ever since the Games started. I always tried to tell myself I didn't need Peeta, that I could easily survive without him but no matter how hard I tried, when it came to that decision, I couldn't bring myself to let him go. It was part of my instinct to hold on to him. When I thought that I had lost him after he was hijacked, there was a deep empty hole that no one else could fill. I always found myself wanting him more than anyone else when I needed someone. When I saw that there still a small part of whom he used to be, I saw hope and I held on to it until and refused to let him go even when he wanted me to. And now that I think about it, that's exactly what he's doing to me, refusing to let go. I need him. He needs me. Is it just survival? I don't know. All I know is that if anything ever happened to him…well, that story would end the same way our first Games did.

I try to shrug away such thoughts because I know if I keep dwelling on them, I'll eventually have to talk about them. So, I busy myself with helping Peeta with the dishes instead. It's simpler. He washes. I dry. But the silence…it's not exactly comfortable. I know by his constant glances at me that he knows something's on my mind.

What's on your mind?" He asks after a long period of silence.

I shrug and decide to start conversation. "I just feel so...different." I whisper. "My life has been separated into two categories. Before and after the Games. I'm always striving to keep people alive. Before...I struggled but I had Prim. I had a reason to fight. And as much as it sucked, it was still a lot easier to bare than now. We still had each other. It came naturally to live for her. Before and after. Then I had to go off and kill Snow without thinking much about her." And for the first time, I admit what's been on my conscious, what's been haunting me for so long. "I feel like I failed her."

Peeta nods slowly. "I understand what you mean. I mean, I've never went through what you've gone through but it was still rough. We always had something to eat but the home life wasn't very good. What you witnessed that day I gave you the bread was nothing. I've had it worse. But I learned to live with it. There wasn't much else to do, ya know?" He smiles sadly as he dries his hands off then leans against the sink. But there's still pain in his eyes and not even Peeta can completely hide it. "And then there's after the Games. Not much changed at home. A little celebration with my dad but mom...well, she pretty much stayed the same, didn't really care that I'd come home. My brothers...I don't think they were as heartless as my mother but they didn't show much emotion. Then there's the Quarter Quell. I don't remember a whole bunch other than Capitol memories but I remember being captured. I remember being tortured and seeing others tortured. I memorized people's screams. And I remember trying to fight against the venom and I was able to for a while. But then...they broke me. They showed me an altered clip of the ending of the Games. I'd refused to believe that you were dead but when they showed the clip, it showed Johanna and Finnick gaining up on you then eventually killing you." His eyes are far away now in a painful memory and I want nothing more than to stop it but I know that I can't. "After that, I stopped fighting. I let them do whatever to me. But not before I warned 13 about the bombs."

"You saved a lot of people, Peeta." I whisper.

He offers a small smile but it turns more into a grimace. "I'm glad. I wish I had fought longer but as far as I knew, my only reason for living was gone."

I blush but instead of questioning him, I let him continue. "So I let them do whatever to me afterwards. I thought for sure they were going to kill me but I guess wanting to mess with my head sounded a lot better. I'd rather be electrocuted a thousand times than be hijacked again. I had no control. I felt myself slipping but I couldn't control it. Everything I knew slipped away. I woke up one day, I thought I was fine." He grips the counter and squeezes it then looks away from me. "Then I saw your picture. My mind was instantly filled with violent, horrific memories of you. I...I was terrified of you at first. Then...Snow trained me. He taught me how to fight. He started filling my head with lies about you and I believed him. Before I was rescued, he told me that if I were ever to encounter you again, to remember my training and do what it takes to kill you, which is why I went after you the first time I saw you." He lets out a strangled sigh and I immediately feel bad for bringing this up.

I put my hand on his shoulder but he continues his story before I have a chance to say something. "Trying to get back to reality…back to the truth was the hardest and most confusing journey. You're good, you're bad, you saved me, you almost killed, you're my friend, you're my enemy, you love me, you hate me, all these things I was trying to figure out. One day I finally got to a point where I was trying to reach the old me, which was the same day I decided that I didn't want to kill you. I wanted to believe but everything inside was fighting it. I went from trying to kill you to being a complete jerk instead."

"That's a major improvement." I smirk, which makes him laugh.

"I guess so. I still wasn't me though and I knew it but for the longest time I couldn't change it. When it came to other people it was easier. Doing Annie's wedding cake helped a lot and I rediscovered my love for cake decorating and painting, so I got that back. But when it came to you…there were still many things I was trying to figure out. I didn't trust you but I didn't want to kill you. I didn't want to kill anybody. But when we went into battle…it triggered so many things. So memories. And once that trigger was pulled…there was no going back. I'd black out and when I came to, I discovered someone was dead because of me." He looks me in the eye with a serious look. "That's why I wanted you to kill me so bad. Because I was so afraid that the next time I blacked out and came to, you would be the next one dead and it'd be because of me. I couldn't live with that. But no matter how hard I tried, you refused to let me go."

I shrug then look away from him. "I was scared. I knew you were suffering but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was tired of people dying because of me. I was tired of Snow using me." I look at him apologetically. "I'm sorry I put you through that though. I'm sorry you have to live with all that now. Death would've been easier for both us."

"Death is always easier, Katniss. But I don't regret living. It was because I lived that I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again."

"Right, because there is nothing more romantic than falling in love in the middle of war." I say sarcastically.

Peeta grins then shakes his head. "I don't think I'd call it romantic love but maybe loving you as a friend again and not seeing you as a monster any more. I remember everything that we went through together and why. I understood why everyone was doing what they could to keep you alive. That understanding gave me the strength to hang on. It gave me hope."

I shake my head now, not understanding his words. They don't make sense. If he really saw me for whom I am, then he wouldn't be here. "I don't understand, Peeta. I really don't. And I don't think you do either. I've killed so many people just so I could get vengeance on Snow, including my sister. It's all a waste now. I volunteered to save her and now it doesn't even matter because he still got his way."

"It's only a waste if you let it be, Katniss. If you give up, then yes, it was a waste. Not just for Prim but for all the people who laid down their lives for you." He's bringing me into the picture now and its stuff that I really don't want to face. I face them enough in my nightmares. I turn away but he grabs my arm and forces me to look at him. "Katniss, the people that died for you knew what they were getting into. If they didn't, do you think that you would be here right now? They believed in you. They believed that you could put a stop to the Games and you did." He takes my face in his hands. "More than that, they loved you. Not just because of what you've done but because of who you are. You're strong, brave, kind, and someone who people can look up to. Someone who's worth laying their life down for."

Tears prick my eyes and I try to hide them but Peeta gently pushes them away himself. "I know you don't see it but I hope you do soon enough. Thousands of young lives have ended because of the Games and you put an end to it. The Games are over. No more lives have to be brutally taken any more. Hope has been restored, Katniss. We've all been through hell. We all have our scars. We all have a long way to go but at least we have a chance to move on. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it's what everyone would want. Especially Prim." I tense up at her name and Peeta gently strokes the side of my face. "She loved you. So much. She believed in you more than anyone else. And I know that she would be so proud of you. Live for her, Katniss."

Tears are running down my face and it makes me feel so vulnerable. "You make it seem so easy." I repeat my words from a few days ago.

"It's not easy at all. But it's not impossible." He says quietly while pushing the hair from my face.

"I don't understand how you've been able to move on after all the hell that you've been through. You've been through so much more than I have. You've lost so much more. I at least still have my mom. I feel like a cry baby now. " I admit.

His gives me a serious look. "Everyone has pain, Katniss. It doesn't matter much or how little. Pain is pain. Don't discount yours. Yes, I've lost my family and I miss them but to be honest, you're the only who has ever truly cared about me. My losses would've been far greater if I had lost you. It's because of you that I am still here right now. You've held on to me for so long. You've never let me give up, even when I wanted to. And you've been willing to lay down your own life for me. There's no greater love than that." He plants a soft kiss on my cheek. "I'm determined to not let your efforts go to waste now."

I let out a heavy sigh. Then without further words; I bury my face into his shoulder. He seems caught off guard at first but then wraps his arms tightly around me. "You're going to get through his, Katniss. I promise." He whispers into my ear.

"How do you know?" I mumble into his shoulder.

"Because I refuse to let you go." He replies then holds me closer.

I'm paralyzed where I am, unable to move, think, breathe, his words echo in my mind. I've been trying so hard to move on but I knew that in order for me to do so, we had to this conversation but it hurts. I hate hearing about the past. I hate facing it. But Peeta proved to me that it was ok. He opened to me so willingly and poured his heart out. I can't imagine the courage it took him to do so. But I didn't judge him or have…pity. It was more…empathy, I suppose. I understood him better. I don't exactly envy him or think he's crazy for moving on. More so, I admire him. I would've never opened up like he did, even though he barely skimmed the surface of what he went through. I can't imagine going through the hell that he went through. Two Games, hijacking, torture, war…all that and he still managed to keep his word from the first Game.

Peeta showed the Capitol he was more than just a piece in their games. He did change. He's not his old self any more. He's more than that. He's stronger, braver, wiser, kinder, and more loving than he ever was.

It's weird but I am finding myself trusting him more now than ever. Our friendship isn't staged. Love isn't forced. I do love Peeta. On what level, I'm still not sure yet but that's ok. I have plenty of time to figure that out because I know that no matter level we're on, he's there for me. And I'm there for him. To love, help, hold and protect each other.

Because…that's what we do.

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_I know it seems a little slow right but it'll pick up soon, I promise :D_


	4. A Smile For You

_Hey everyone! Sorry I couldn't update earleir but my computer died and I had to write this on another computer, which also explains why its so short. To my defense, it's still Thursday where I live ;P Anyways! Enjoy! Hope you like it!  
_

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"I'm not plugging it in." I said stubbornly, crossing my arms to emphasize my point.

"Katniss, you really need to plug it in. What if you get into trouble and you can't reach anyone?" Peeta tries to persuade.

"I've been in trouble plenty of times and I've never needed a telephone." I replied sarcastically.

"I'm serious, Katniss. It'll make it a lot easier for us to talk."

I raise my eyebrows at him. "You mean so I can talk to Dr. Aurelius?"

He looks down with a sheepish and I know I've caught him in his little act. "It's not going to work, Peeta. I don't want to talk to him and you can't make me." I know I sound like a child but I can't help it. We've been through this I don't know how many times and I'm getting tired of it.

Peeta sighs. "You need help." He says worriedly.

I wave him off. "I have help."

"What? Me?" he scoffs when I nod.

"What?" I ask, taken aback. "I have improved. I went from not talking at all to talking to you."

Peeta laughs. "And almost every you break down. No offense, Katniss but I'd like to see something different." He says seriously.

From some reason this rubs me the wrong way and I take it offensively. "I'm sorry that I break down every time. It's not like I've been through anything. I'm sorry that my nightmares keep you up at night. I'm sorry that I'm such a burden to you. I'm sorry that I ever came to this stupid place and I'm sorry that I ever trusted you!" I snap harshly and the legs of the chair squeal as I rush to get up.

But Peeta's faster than I am and grabs me by the arm. "Let go!" I yell at him but his hold on me gets tighter.

"Listen to me." He says firmly and I purposely look away. He grabs my chin and pulls it towards him. I'm shaking now. I'm so angry and hurt with him right now that I can't stand to look at him. "Katniss," he says more softly and I give him the meanest glare I can manage. "I didn't mean any of that the way you took it. But I'm trying to be honest and open with you. I don't think you're a burden. I'm thrilled that you're talking to me. But I have to admit that I'm still worried about you. You just went through two Hunger Games, a war and the loss of your sister. I think you need more than just my help."

My eyes are tearing up and I try furiously to wipe them away. "I can do this on my own." I say feebly, not believing my self.

Peeta wipes the tears from my eyes and lets his hand linger on my cheek. "Always trying to do things on your own and be in control. Haven't you learned your lesson yet?"

"No." I mumble and he smiles.

"I don't want you to suffer any more." He whispers.

I know he's genuinely concerned. He does have a point. I do break down every time I talk to him and we've been talking for the past month and a half. I haven't really gotten past much more than that. "I know you're right." I whisper back. "But I don't want to. I know that sounds childish and I don't want to sound like that but it's because…I don't even know where to start when I do talk to him. We never really get any where."

Peeta nods in understanding. "I understand. Believe me, I do. I'll admit it was hard for me to open up but the good thing was that he didn't push me. He started with small talk and when I started getting more comfortable, it made everything a whole lot easier. And on a more serious note, I told you before what he said about not being able to pretend that he's still treating you. People are going to begin to wonder, Katniss. This is important. If you don't go through treatment, both of you could get into serious trouble."

Now this I know is true and is something I didn't even think of. For the most part, I haven't plugged in my phone because of his constant phone calls. I just didn't want to talk. But this was part of the bargain. I couldn't let him down. The trouble that he could get into for lying is really bad, may even result in severe punishment and I didn't want that. I'm tired of people getting into trouble on my behalf and this was something I could prevent.

"Fine." I finally give in. "But only because I don't want him to get into trouble. I'm tired of putting people at risk."

Peeta gives me a sympathetic look. "It'll be good for you, I promise."

I try to smile for his sake but it fails. "I'm only doing this for you."

He laughs. "At least you're doing it." He gently squeezes my arm. "You'll be surprised at how much it really helps."

"Why do you like him so much? What's so great about the famous Dr. Aurelius?" I ask curiously.

"It's not one sided." he says and I tilt my head in confusion and he explains. "He's not afraid to be open with you either. His life isn't perfect. It's not as messed up as our lives are but he's the one who taught me that pain is pain and everyone has it, some worse than others but it's something everyone can relate to. You'll be surprised what he's gone through. In a way, he's kind of like a mentor."

This actually sparks a curiosity in me. I always assumed that shrinks had it all together. I never really took time to think otherwise. I guess that shows how shallow I am but now I'm wondering…what is the story of Dr. Aurelius? What caused his pain and how did he conquer it?

I give Peeta a nervous look. "You're sure this is going to help?"

"No," he answers and I furrow my eyebrows. "It'll only help you if you let it. He's not a magician, Katniss. He'll help you but I'm not going to lie, it's not easy. You have to want to heal and that comes with a price. You have to face a lot of painful memories. The major difference though is that you won't be facing it alone. That's why he's there, to help you through it and come to peace with your past. If that's what you want and you're willing to fight for it, then yes, I'm sure it'll help you."

"I take it this is the next step in your bread making?" I joke lightly, which earns a smile from Peeta.

"Yes, this is the next step and it's a crucial one at that. If you don't go through it, your bread won't rise."

I can't help but snort a laugh and shake my head. "Don't want that to happen." I giggle then let out a small sigh. "I'll plug it in tomorrow after I get up." I promise.

Peeta smiles then gives me a hug, which I gratefully accept. "You should go home and get some rest. It's 11pm and you've been up since 7am."

My yawn testifies to his words. It's true, I have been up early due to a crazy nightmare. I'm exhausted. So, I agree and Peeta walks me out to the end of the driveway. "I'll come over later on tomorrow and help plug your phone in?"

My shoulders slump down. "You're really persistent on this, aren't you?"

Peeta chuckles. "I'm persistent on getting you help." He says then kisses me softly on the head. "Goodnight, Katniss." He whispers in my ear then takes a few steps back to watch me go home.

I take the hint then slowly make my way home across the street. This is the hardest part of the day, going home. I don't like coming in to an empty home but tonight I'm so tired that I just want to sleep.

Once I'm inside, I go directly to my room and fall on to the bed. I don't bother changing since I'm already in sweatpants and a t-shirt. As I lay here, I can't help but wonder what I'm going to do with my future. I wonder who I'm going to be. I wonder if I'm always going to be like this or if things will change for the better. It's hard to imagine life could be anything but this, having crazy nightmares every night, forcing myself to get, go to Peeta's, have a break down, recover, go to bed, repeat. I probably would repeat the same cycle if it weren't for Peeta insisting that I change my old habits. I'm very curious as to how this whole thing with Dr. Aurelius is going to go. From what I remember, I don't think I ever had any real bad issues with him. He seemed nice enough. He gave me my space and never pressed me. I wonder what it's going to be like when I actually try to open up to him. Can this mysterious doctor really help me get rid of my nightmares? Can he help me face my past and much more, be able to be at peace with it?

All these unanswered questions swirl in my mind until they finally lull me to sleep.  
_  
I'm walking down a hallway when I come into a room that's decorated in a soft pink. I peek through the door and find the curtains flowing with the breeze of an open window. I come in and I immediately recognize the room. This room belonged to my sister. It's in the exact same shape that she left it in. It's a simple small room with a twin bed in the corner with a white and pink headboard along with the same pillows and blankets. On the other side of the room is a white dresser with a mirror. I walk over to it and find a few of her things. A pink jewelry box that holds a locket my father gave her, a ring that my mother passed down to her and a bracelet that I made her out of leather. Her wooden hairbrush that still had traces of her blonde hair. A diary that I can't bring myself to read and a few other miscellaneous things. I'm lost in my memories when I hear a hiss come from the other side of the room. I turn around to see Buttercup sitting on the bed but its not the same. The bed, a long with the rest of the room is burnt to a crisp. He sits on a burnt, broken bed frame, staring at me with hateful eyes._

"You did this." The creature accuses me.

But that's impossible, cats can't talk. Can they?

"You did this!" His voice becomes louder!

That voice…it sounds so familiar but I can't quite figure it out.

"No!" I yell back. "I didn't do it, I swear!"

The cats eyes narrow at me. "My dear friend, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to lie to each other." He whispers in a low, eerie, threatening voice.

My face goes pale and I begin to tremble. "Murderer!" He hisses loudly at me.

I shake my head then attempt to run away when my foot steps on something and I hear glass break. I look down to see my sister's picture that catches on fire after I've stepped on it. I scream then look around again to see that the room has filled with ashes and rose petals. The stench is unbearable and I can't breathe any more. I attempt to escape but the door is locked and I fall to the ground, my face landing in the ashes.

I hear a loud, strangling noise and I realize that it's coming from me. I'm shaking violently and it takes me a few minutes to realize that it was just another nightmare. That one was new…and just as painfully frightening as the others. My voice hurts from screaming and I force myself to get up and get a glass of water. From what I can tell, its already morning. Probably around 9am. I guess I needed to get up anyways.

Once I'm downstairs, I hurry quickly past the bedroom that haunted my dreams last night, afraid that if I open the door I'll experience everything in real life. I swear I can still smell the scent of roses in there…

I pour myself a glass of water and I have to force myself not to sit down. For I know myself now. And I know that if I sit there alone, I won't ever leave. So after I finish my water, I decide to go over to Peeta's. I know he won't mind. This is our routine.

I walk outside and am immediately greeted with fresh air. I close my eyes and breathe in, enjoying it. But my enjoyment is ruined quickly when I hear a loud squawk behind me. I turn and see two huge geese, running right for me. Oh no, not I again! I run as quickly as I can, the geese gaining up on me, squawking loudly the whole time. There's not a lot of things that I'm afraid of but Haymitch's geese are one of them. I scream in terror and climb the nearest tree in my yard.

"Go away!" I yell at them but my attempts are useless. They guard the tree and refuse to leave.

After about thirty minutes of yelling at them, I hear laughter coming from next door. I shoot Haymitch an evil glare.

Through his laughter, he says, "What's the matter, Sweetheart? You can outran a few mutts that are out to kill you but you let a couple of geese chase you up a tree?"

"Shut up, Haymitch!" I growl at him, which makes him laugh louder. "None of this would've happened if you'd kept your demon geese in your backyard where they belong!"

He takes a sip of his wine then wipes his mouth. "If you were having so much trouble with them, you should've ran inside and called me." he tries to reason.

I scowl at him. "You asshole, you don't even have a phone!" I scream at him.

He looses it then and is now doubled over in laughter. I'm glad he can laugh but I don't take it to heart. He's drunk as all get out and I'd rather be talking sass than punching everything in sight.

"What's going on here?" Peeta's voice rings out as he approaches us. I can imagine we're quite a sight.

"Well I've been treed by a couple of crazy geese and Haymitch is laughing his ass off." I reply sarcastically, shooting a glare at Haymitch.

Peeta can't help but smile and shake his head. But like the gentlemen he is, he bravely approaches the geese and herds them away from the tree and into Haymitch's yard. Making sure they're out of sight, I finally am able to climb down. Haymitch goes inside, still chuckling to himself, before I can attempt to strangle him.

Peeta comes back with a smirk on his face. "What are you smirking at?" I ask defensively.

"Katniss, come on. You can't blame me for laughing. Imagine that scene from my point of view. You would've laughed too." He chuckles.

"I would not." I mumble but can't help smirking myself. As I imagine it, I really can't blame them. Why, out of all creatures, did I have to be afraid of a damn goose? "Thanks for rescuing me. It only took an hour."

"You should've called me." He says with a mischievous grin.

I gasp then go to smack him but he catches my arm, brings me to him and begins to relentlessly tickle me. We laugh loudly while we play fight in my front yard until we finally collapse to the ground in a heap of giggles. I lay on my back and clutch my stomach, gasping for air and trying my best not to laugh but there's still a huge grin on my face.

Finally, I hear silence and I look over at Peeta, who's smiling from ear to ear. "What?" I giggle out.

He shakes his head. "Nothing. It's just been so long since I've seen you laugh like that."

"Well, it actually felt good." I admit somewhat sheepishly.

He chuckles then stands up and offers his hand to me. "Come on, let's go install that phone."

I smile then grab his hand. I know I should feel guilty for laughing, especially after last night's nightmare but I can't bring myself to feel anything else but joy. Peeta said he wanted to see a change in me and although part of me argues that I shouldn't care, a bigger part of me doesn't want to let him down.

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**I know it's not my best chapter but I wanted the end to be a little lighter than it has been:) Fun fact, this chapter was inspired by my poor friend who lives by a lake with geese and she gets chased by a mother goose almost every time she leaves for school or work lol thanks again for reading!**


	5. A Million Reasons

_Hey everyone! Sorry I'm late! I got so busy last week and missed my update. But don't worry, here it is! :D and don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the doctor but this chapter was in my head and I wanted to do it first :) Thanks for reading!_

It's been three days since Peeta plugged in my phone and the only phone call I've received was from Peeta, of course, inviting me over for dinner. He was trying a new experiment which turned out amazingly good, not that I expected anything less. But no phone calls from Dr. Aurelius…not one. And I was fine with that. I did my part of the bargain. I let him plug in my phone and I would agree to answer it. It's not my problem the doctor has no longer taken any interest in me.

Now, I was sitting on my normal perch in Peeta's kitchen, watching him make some cinnamon buns. He was quieter than usual and it wasn't the comfortable silence either. There was some sort of tension in the air that I couldn't get past but I couldn't figure out what it was. Was it something…I did? Have I over stayed my welcome? What happened? I didn't like things going unspoken.

I sighed heavily. Peeta continued his work. I got up and walked over to him. "I'm going to the bathroom." I randomly announced, desperately wanting the silence to end.

"Ok." He answered shortly, never looking up. I stayed there for a moment, wondering if he would ever meet my eyes but he never did. So finally I kept my word and went to the bathroom but I didn't immediately return. I did the same thing I did after I killed Coin. I wandered throughout the house, checking out different compartments and closets which were all almost near empty. Most of the rooms I found were interesting. They were filled with paintings but they seemed to be set into categories. Like one room nature the other, cities or vivid scenes from around town. All of them were amazing and it put me at peace. My particular favorite room was a fairly small one decorated with beach scenes that most likely were inspired by District 4. The walls were painted white and there was a big window that covered almost the whole wall and overlooked the woods and countless rolling hills. There was a long chest with a quilt folded on top along with a couple of pillows. I sat on top with my knees folded to my chest, staring at the woods.

I missed the woods but more than that, I missed Gale. He's been in my dreams lately but they weren't nightmares. They were memories of when we'd just met, the countless secrets and conversations we shared, and our last words exchanged before I went into the Games. I wanted to be mad at him and for a while, I was glad that he didn't come back. But now…if I was honest with myself, I missed him, terribly. I don't want a relationship with anybody. I just wanted a little piece of my old life back. I wanted my friends back but there was only three that were alive and one was a drunk, one was in District 4 and the other…well, the other I wasn't sure about. All of us were only fragments of who we used to be and no matter how much we wanted to be whole again, I knew we never would be.

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of all the depressing thoughts. Time to roam again.

I wandered around, mostly in circles a few more times around the hallway. Just as I was about to head back downstairs, I came across a room that I hadn't noticed until now, which is surprising because I've been down this way I don't know how many times. It had an eerie feeling around it, like I shouldn't go in but I had a knack for facing my fears. Just as I was about to grab the doorknob, Peeta's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a loud, irritated voice that made me jump back and yank my hand away. I turned around to face him and he stood there, wide eyed and…angry?

"I…I…I was just exploring the house." I stammered.

"Well, don't!" he snapped then stood in front of the door. "I don't go rummaging through your rooms."

I stepped back, over my shock and right into defense mode. "What's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem." He mumbled.

I scoffed. "Well then you must be having a bad case of PMS." I replied sarcastically. Peeta scowled at me. "What's wrong with you? Why are you acting so…like me?" Peeta looked away and avoided my gaze. Now I was actually concerned. Peeta was never like this. Ever. "Look, if you're trying to show me what I'm really like, I get it. I'm not…the most pleasant person in the world. I never was. But I don't want-"

"Katniss, stop." He interrupted. "I'm not trying to show you anything."

"Then what's your problem?" I ask bitterly.

"It's nothing, Katniss! I just don't want anyone coming into this room." He snaps irritably.

It's clear that we're not getting anywhere so I shake my head and move past him and stomp downstairs. My cheeks are burning though. I don't have a right to be mad. I shouldn't had been snooping around and I've treated him worse than what he did me. Guess I was getting a taste of my own medicine. And truth be told, I didn't like it one bit.

I go to grab my bag off my couch when I hear someone crying. The only person in here is Peeta but I can still hear him from upstairs. Despite my recent hurt feelings, I cautiously tip toe back to the hallway and what I see is heart breaking. Peeta is sitting against the wall with his legs pulled up to his face.

"Peeta," I whisper cautiously.

He looks at me with pained eyes and shakes his head frantically. "Katniss, what are you doing here? You need to go. Quick!" he says in panicked voice.

I immediately have a flash from our first Games. It was after I had dropped the tracker jackers on the careers. I had been stung a few times myself and it'd taken its toll on me. But I remember Peeta coming back for me, pushing me, yelling at me to run, to get out of there as soon as I could.

But this time I wasn't leaving.

"I'm not leaving you." I whisper.

He backs away from me. "Katniss, I don't want to hurt you. Please, please just go."

"You won't hurt me, Peeta. I know you won't." I approach him as he's a wild animal that's hurt. His eyes widen and I wonder what's going on until I remember. Dr. Aurelius had said that even though he improved a lot, he would never completely recover from the hijacking. That's what was wrong. He was trying to fight an episode coming on.

I know I should run but I can't bring myself to leave him that way. He flinches when I come near. "Shhh, it's ok." I whisper as I kneel down in front of him. He squeezes his eyes shut and looks away then begins to shake. He lets out a strangled cry as he fights whatever memory is tormenting him. It kills me to know that he'll always struggle with this.

It's a courageous and possibly a stupid move when I don't know what he could do but I can't bring myself to leave him. I take his hand and he jerks back. "Peeta, stay with me." I say gently. You can see that he's trying so hard to fight, there's sweat on his brow and you can see his veins. I don't say a word in fear of setting him off. I wait a few minutes then try to take his hand and this time, he doesn't jerk away but he grabs my hand and holds on so tight that I try my best not to cry or yank it back. But right now, I know I'm his anchor, keeping him grounded to reality and I wasn't going to leave him now. So I make a braver move and gently rub his back. He's sobbing now and trying to catch his breath.

He finally looks at me with puffy eyes and says fearfully, "I'm sorry…for whatever I said, whatever I did, I'm…sorry."

"It's alright, Peeta." I whisper reassuringly.

He finally lets go of my hand and I can't help but let out a sigh of relief. Peeta notices and gasps when he looks down. There's finger marks and a few bruises that I know will turn into bigger bruises. His eyes gather more tears and he looks away. "Peeta, it's-"

"No," he interrupts. "It's not ok. It'll never be ok."

"That's not true!" I raise my voice, making him flinch.

"Katniss, I think you should go." He whispers sadly.

I cross my arms defiantly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I don't want hurt you again."

"Well guess what, Peeta, I'm already hurt, just like you and it's going to take a long time to fully heal." He remains quiet and I continue, my voice lowering slightly. "I'm not mad at you."

"What if it happens again, Katniss? I can't guarantee that I won't hurt you again." He whispers.

"How many times have I hurt you and you kept coming back?" I ask quietly. I grab his hand again. "Look at me." His eyes hesitantly meet mine. "You've been through a lot, Peeta. I…I can't even imagine. You have a right to break down every now and then. I honestly don't know how you've made it so far in just a little bit of time. You don't have to be strong all the time because…because I'm here and I don't plan on leaving any time soon." I see his eyes move down to my hand again. "It's worth the risk."

Tears gather in his eyes and his voice cracks as he asks, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I love you." Once it leaves my lips, both our eyes widen and we both freeze. It felt weird saying those words without it being part of a script. I have a millions reasons and answers that I could've said but none of them seemed sufficient enough. I honestly tried to push down those words but my heart spoke before my mind had a chance to rationalize it.

"You love me?" He asks in confusion.

My cheeks flush bright red and I nod. But Peeta just shakes his head. "Katniss, you don't have to pretend anymore."

"I'm not pretending." I answer firmly but I know by the look on his face that he doesn't fully believe me. I'm not good with words, I never was. I don't know what to say, so my only choice is to show him. I gently take his face in my hands and plant a soft, simple kiss on his lips. I can't deny the electric feeling that still runs up my spine when our lips meet. It wasn't forced. It wasn't because I felt bad. This is truly how I felt and it scared me. But as I said before, I have a knack for facing my fears. "Stay with me." I whisper in his ear.

"Always." He breathes his reply. I pull away and see tears slowly sliding down his face as his eyes are still closed. I pull him into my arms, just as he's done so many times with me and I let him cry and release his own pain. I couldn't help but wonder if this is how he felt when he held me…that desperation in wanting to heal all the pain he's suffered, holding on to him for dear life in fear that if you let go he will too.

I don't how know long we sat there…minutes…hours…I don't know but he finally falls silent and slowly pulls away. I can tell he's exhausted, physically and emotionally. "Come on." I say quietly then help pull him up to his feet. He's weak, very weak as he leans heavily on me as we walk to his bedroom. Once we're in there, I pull back the covers and help him get in.

"I don't want to go to sleep." he says with childlike fear in his voice.

"It's ok, I'm here." I whisper then begin to softly smooth his hair back in a comforting way.

"I'm sorry about earlier." He apologizes. His normal tone has returned and I feel more at peace. He nods towards my hand. "Is your hand ok?" I look at it and surprisingly see that despite one small bruise, there's nothing wrong with it.

"It's fine." I answer softly, showing him to make him feel better. "If you don't mind me asking, what set you off? What was your trigger?"

He sighs heavily. "It started with a rough night. My nightmares were really bad. Then when I woke up, I realized that today is my dad's birthday."

I immediately feel bad for asking. "Oh Peeta, I'm so sorry."

"It's alright. It was just…hard. I knew it was coming but I didn't expect it to hit me the way it did. We were really close…I miss him. I miss them all but I miss him the most."

"I understand." I reply quietly.

"Then it was just everything that came along with it. More memories triggering more memories. It got out of control before I could stop it."

"How often do you have these episodes?"

"Not very often. Sometimes I'll get a wave but I'm usually able to hold on to something until it passes but they haven't been that bad in…months." He sighs then closes his eyes. "I've narrowed it down to the major things that trigger them. Bees, anything that stings, certain tools, buckets of water."

"Buckets of water?" I furrowed my brow.

"During interrogation, if we didn't answer a question, they'd put our feet in water then electrocute us."

I flinched in horror. "That's terrible." I mumbled.

He shrugged. "Johanna had it the worst. They made me watch everything."

"Peeta…"

He waves me off. "It's over now."

I take the hint and drop the subject. I think of Johanna…how she wasn't able to go with us for the mission because she had to face water. I can't help but be slightly thankful that she didn't go. I would've lost her too and as much as we could become enemies, I didn't want her to do. I didn't wish that torture on anyone. It hurts to think of all the brutal things Peeta had to endure. He didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry I went off on you about the room." He says suddenly with wide eyes.

I had forgotten about it, to be honest. "Oh...it's ok, don't worry about it."

"I know I was fighting off a memory but at the same time, I was trying to protect you."

"Protect me?" I ask confusingly.

He nods. "Yeah, I know I sounded like a jerk but in my mind, I was trying to protect you because...Katniss, what's in there is stuff you shouldn't see."

"Why?"

He sighs. "You know there was a theme in each room?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that particular room isn't really that pleasant to be in. When I'm having a bad day with memories, I go in there and paint them out. They're really disturbing images. I can barely handle them. I don't think you could either." He says honestly.

"What makes you think that?" I ask somewhat defensively.

"Katniss, please, just trust me. Don't…don't go in there. Not yet, anyways." He says tiredly.

"Ok. I trust you." I simply reply, taking the hint. I was still curious but I wasn't going to press the subject any more. He was probably right anyways.

He relaxes a bit more then asks, "Did you mean it...What you said earlier?"

My cheeks heat up a bit. "Do you doubt it?"

"I don't know…I don't think so." He reaches up and strokes my cheek. "Laying down your life and risking everything for another is the greatest example of love there is." I'm captivated by his eyes, taking in every detail of them. They're beautiful and intense. I don't want to forget them. We stay frozen like that for a few moment, taking each other in.

"I think you found your answer then." I whisper with a small smile. He smiles back and continues to stroke my cheek. My hand finds his own and it goes still. I close my eyes. "You love me. Real or not real?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

I feel warm, gentle hands grab my face in hands as he brings my head down and gently kisses me on the lips then on my forehead. When he pulls away and I finally open my eyes, he says, "Real."

My eyes go moist as I kiss him back then settle into bed, snuggle up next to him and lay my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me, securing me and reminding me that I'm safe. Both of us are exhausted and in need of a good sleep. I knew that we would finally get the rest that we've needed for so long because we both knew without any doubt that we were both safe.

I wondered briefly how things were going to be but I wasn't worried. We'd get through it. Just as we've gotten through everything else.


	6. Up In Flames

**Hey everyone! Sorry its been so long! I got a new job and haven't been able to update but finally, here it is! Hope you like it! Ignore any grammar issues though, I didn't have time to proofread :/ thanks for reading! review! :D**

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It's been a month since Peeta's break down. Things have been…different. I'm trapped once again in trying to decide what my feeling toward Peeta are. I told him I love him but was that really out of desperation or my true feelings? The truth is, I want to love him and but I can't bring myself to give my heart away, not after everyone I've lost. He could be gone in an instant and he'd take my heart with him and there's nothing either of us could do about it. Peeta…he's my anchor, the only reason that I've held on for so long and I hate him for that. I hate that I can't let go. I hate that I can't just run like I want to. I'm trapped, held captive against my will and I don't think that my captor has any intention of letting me go.

So here I am, sitting in my favorite place in the woods, my head filled with memories that I'm forced to live with. Most of them are with Gale, whom I want now more than ever. I don't want to hate him anymore. I just can't afford that burden. I just want him. I want my friend back. I want him to know that I don't blame him anymore. I hated that he gave me a choice between him and Peeta because I know my heart will always go to Peeta yet at the same time I want my childhood friend back. I'm tired of picking sides. I want my life back! Even if it is just bits and pieces.

What I hate is that I can't talk to Peeta about this. Anything else is fine but I know bringing up Gale would be a touchy subject that he just wouldn't understand. So I've kept it to myself for the past month and it's caused me to be distant which is making him anxious and worried. He always asks what's wrong and to talk to him but I usually change the subject and making up another excuse, which makes him more worried. I tell him everything and I mean everything but…how can I talk to him about who he saw as an enemy? What other option do I have?

I sigh heavily and decide to head back home. The sun is setting and this place isn't that pleasant to be at night, too many memories. I walk in a haze, not really thinking about anything. I don't even realize where I'm going until a rough arm pulls me out of the street just in time before a bulldozer headed towards town runs me over. I jump, realizing what just could've happened and I look up to see Haymitch gasping for air. His grip on me is firm and shaking like a leaf.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" He scolds loudly.

My legs begin to shake and I shake my head wildly, trying my best to clear it enough to answer. "I'm sorry-"

"Sorry?!" he says outraged. "You almost get yourself killed and you have the nerve to say you're sorry? You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"I'm sorry! I didn't know you cared so much." I snap at him. It's a lame come back and he knows it.

He lets go of my arm, walks a feet then turns around then throws a wine bottle at me and I dart it just in time. Before I can say, "What the hell?" I look into his eyes and see…hurt? Concern? Both?

"I'm sorry I didn't make that message clear." He says sarcastically. He shakes his head. "You know, I always knew I wasn't a good mentor, just…wasn't my thing. I always, always fail my tributes, not matter how hard I try. I thought you were different but I see now that I failed."

"Haymitch-"

He puts up a hand to stop me. "I'm still trying to figure out why you're still here. You don't value your life and you definitely don't value your sister's." His cold, brutal words hit me and I lash out in return.

"Don't ever bring my sister up again! You have no right to bring her up!" I yelled at him.

His eyes narrow at me. "Maybe not but I know damn well that she'd be disappointed if she'd seen what just happened and you know I'm right."

My gaze grows icy and my voice is tense. "And what about you? Drinking your whole life away, don't you think your family would be disappointed, too?"

Tears gather in Haymitch's eyes, a sight that I've never seen before. It's then that I know I've crossed a line. But he doesn't lash out. He actually looks sober and…alive…sort of…if that's what you call it. In a low and serious yet gentle voice he says, "Don't be like me, Katniss. There's still hope for you. You kids have been through hell and back but you're still young. It doesn't have to be this way. You've fought this long, keep fighting a little longer. Just…whatever you do…don't be like me." He sighs then gives me a sorrowful look then walks back to his house and slams the door, making me flinch.

My eyes begin to water. He really thought I was going to kill myself. I wasn't trying to, really I wasn't…was I? I was just lost in thought, trying to figure everything out. Haymitch's words echo in my ear…"Don't be like me…" how can I prevent that? By not drinking? No, because the issue lies deeper than alcohol.

Wiping my tears away, I brace myself and chase after Haymitch. I yank the door open and find him at the counter, swirling a glass of wine in his hand. I quickly walk over to him and stand in front. "I wasn't trying to kill myself, Haymitch." I begin and he slowly looks up. I sigh heavily and lean against the counter. It's then that I realize I'm shaking. "I don't completely understand it. I'm fine one day and the next I'm…trapped…in all these emotions and memories. Talking to Peeta helps because he understands but…some things…I can't and then it stays locked up and makes me miserable. On the way home, I got lost in a daze and I didn't know what was coming until you yanked me out of the way." I pause long enough to catch my breath and I hope that he believes me. "I'm sorry." I say sincerely.

He gives me a long, weary look then finally, he speaks up. "You scared the hell out of me. I always thought you and that boy over there would be like any other tribute that I could drink away but you're not. You're a pain in the ass but I don't want you dead." His words are firm and sincere and it's the closest thing to him saying that he cares.

"I'm sorry, Haymitch. I just…I don't know. One minute I'm fine then the next I see something that reminds of someone and it hurts." I take a deep breath before continuing, knowing that I'm about to confess what's been bugging me. I figured I might as well tell him while he's somewhat sober. "Especially those who aren't dead. I've seen so much death that I just want those who are alive back."

"You're talking about your mother and Gale." It's not a question, it's a statement. Finally, he catches on and knows where I'm going. "Specifically Gale."

My cheeks heat up and I nod guiltily. "I…I want him back, Haymitch. I want my friend back. Is that so wrong?"

He shrugs. "No but I thought you didn't want anything to do with him anymore."

I throw my hands up. "I'm tired of being angry, Haymitch! I'm just…tired…of everything. The anger, the unforgiveness, the pain, all of it, I've had enough. I just want my family back. I can't have Prim or even Mom, I lost her a long time ago. I can't have anyone else because they're dead. But Gale's alive and I just want my friend back." I'm sobbing now and my tears form a puddle on the bar. "I'm so tired of being bitter. I don't know if he killed Prim or not, neither does he. Even if he did, I know it wasn't intentional. Gale looked after her when I wasn't there. He was like a big brother to her. He loved and protected her when he could. The way she died…it was just the wrong place…the wrong time for her to be there. I don't want to blame him anymore. I don't want him to feel guilty anymore." I feel a little lighter, getting all of that in the open. But Haymitch doesn't word and I'm curious. "So…what are your thoughts, Haymitch?"

"Still trying to figure you out, sweetheart." He whispers.

"Does anything I said make sense?" I ask desperately.

"Hardly." He chuckles. "Whenever I think of Gale I think of how angry and hurt you were with him. I never expected you to rant about wanting him back."

"I never thought so either. Is that…bad?" I ask in a childlike whisper.

"Wanting to forgive someone instead of holding a grudge? Terrible." He smirks.

"You know I can never tell when you're being serious or not." I mumble, making him laugh.

"Well then, let me make myself clear. No, there's nothing wrong with forgiving somebody. It's not common. Most people would be mad forever and take it to their grave. But, you're not like other people. You've proved that over and over again." I feel relieved until he throws me a question I'm trying to figure out. "However, there is one thing I'd like to ask you a question. Is it true forgiveness or are you desperately trying to cling on to your old life?"

He waits for me to answer but I end up stuttering like a fool until I give up and shrug. "I don't know." I whisper.

Haymitch leans forward and says, "Katniss, listen to me. If you're trying to rebuild your old life, don't. Don't even try. It's a waste of time because things will never be the same. You can have someone back in your life but it won't go back to normal. I think deep down you know that but you're afraid. You have to move on, Katniss. There's nothing you can do to bring things back to where they were." Just I begin to float back to that state where I'm confused, he continues. "But if you can make peace with someone, it makes it ten times easier to move on."

I take Haymitch's words into deep consideration. I know his words are harsh but true. Gale and I could never go back to the way we were. That's long gone. Is that what I was after? Or am I after peace? What if it's both? I know that's out of the question. The only thing I'd be able to accomplish is peace between us. There's a part of me that wants to be mad and bitter but somehow I can't do it. I guess I could blame that on Peeta. Being around him, I've seen the hell that he's gone through and yet he's still found a way to show kindness and love. I guess his influence rubbed off on me.

"So how do I do that? How do I make peace?" I ask.

"Find out where he's at or at least get a phone number and talk to him." Haymitch replies.

"I don't even know where to start, Haymitch. From what Sae said, he found a nice job and that's the last I heard of him." I say slightly frustrated.

Haymitch rubs his chain, a habit of his when he's deep in thought. Finally, he speaks up. "I have a few connections. I'll see what I can dig up."

My eyes snap open. "Haymitch, you don't-"

He holds a hand up to stop me. "If it keeps you from being road kill, I'll find out what I can."

I stutter over my words and I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be able to stop owing people. I hate being in debt but I can't deny that I need his help so I stop my senseless stuttering and simply say, "Thank you." Haymitch knows better than most. He can read between the lines.

He gives me a sad smile then nods. We sit in comfortable silence for a while before I decide to go to Peeta's before I go home.

I know I don't have to say even a simple goodbye. Haymitch could care less. Or so I used to think. I found out today that he cares more than I think. Maybe it's time I show him a little more respect than I have. He struggles with his own pain and his own past. Peeta and I are all he really has. His only tributes that have survived two Hunger Games and his only family. I see now why he saved me. When you only have just a couple of people who have made an impact on you, even it's small, out of all the ones you've lost, you cling to them because you can't help it. They're all you have. They're all that's keeping you alive. That, I do understand perfectly.

So right before I leave, I tell him, "You're still one of the best mentors, Haymitch." He looks at me and I offer a small smile. "Thanks for everything."

"Stay alive, sweetheart." He smirks then pours himself another drink.

And with that, I leave him to his liquor and move on to a destination that I could walk to in my sleep.

I knock on the door and after a minute or two, Peeta answers. "Hey." He greets with a warm yet slightly shocked smile. I haven't been over in about a week and I haven't answered his calls. It's not his fault though and I want him to know that.

"Hey, can I come in?" I ask hesitantly.

He says nothing and steps out of my way and heads to the kitchen. I know he's mad at me…not really mad but hurt. I can tell he's trying to brush everything off but it's hard.

I follow him and I watch him as he leans against the counter. Once again I find myself stuttering until I find an alternate solution. I know where everything is in his kitchen so it only takes me a couple of seconds to get everything out. I've memorized all the steps until it comes time to knead the dough. I turn to him and whisper, "Help me." He stares at me for a long moment and never takes his eyes off me as he comes over and takes a spot next to me at the counter. We start out slow but soon enough the dough begins to form and we get it into the oven.

We don't say a word to each other the whole time the bread is baking. I know he's waiting for me to say something and I just don't have the right words to say right now. There's too much tension for that. So we continue holding each other's gaze, never breaking. There's a lot of things that we reflect in our eyes. Mystery, pain, little bit of anger, confusion, and a dash of love. These are things that can be seen without having to explain it. A silent understanding that these are things that most likely always be there and for the most part, we're ok with that.

Soon, I feel that it's time to take out the bread. I've never been good at this. I still haven't conquered it but I figured I'd give it one more try. Peeta hands me an oven mitt and I open the door. I look in and smile to myself as I take it out. Amazingly, the bread is not flat. It's not burnt. It's not hard as a rock. It's not undercooked. It's a perfect golden brown.

Peeta is glowing after he's done inspecting it. "Katniss, you did it!" He exclaims excitedly.

He gives me a big hug and I return it but I pull away after that. Peeta's smile fade but I offer a smile of reassurance. I look from the bread to Peeta then I cautiously grab his hand. He looks at me curiously and I try my best to find the right words. "I can't do this on my own, Peeta. The only reason that I'm here right now is because of you." Tears fill my eyes and I take a deep, shaky breath. "I need you…I need you now more than ever."

Peeta's hands moves to my face and with one he wipes my tears away and the other, he places on the back of my head. "I'm here." He whispers.

I close my eyes as more tears fall. "Don't…don't bail on me, please. I…I can't handle that. Not right now…not…" I'm rambling now but I can't help it. I'm terrified of the thought of telling him the truth, so much that I shake my head and change my mind. "Never mind." I mumble angrily.

But Peeta catches my arm before I have a chance to walk away. "Please don't shut me out." He whispers.

My arm shakes in his grasp. "I don't want to lose you."

His eyes are filled with such sincere concern that I look away. But he's just as stubborn as I am and I feel his hands gently grab my face. "I'm not going anywhere, Katniss. Where would I go?" He says with a small smile.

Tears fall down my face and I don't even bother to wipe them away because I know he'll beat me to it. My prediction is correct and after he does so, he leads me to my favorite in the living room by a fire place. I feel his arms around me and he waits a few minutes to speak up. "What's going on, Katniss?" He prods gently.

I sniffle a few times and refuse to meet his eyes. Instead, I watch the hand on the clock tick by slowly. "I've been going through these phases where I miss specific people so bad that it hurts. But it's been worse lately because the people I miss are still alive." My heart constricts at the thought of them and I involuntarily flinch. Peeta notices and holds my hand tighter. "My mom isn't as hard to be away from since she hasn't been there for years. I still miss her but I didn't expect her to stick around." Here comes the hard part. "But there is someone else that I've been missing like crazy."

"You miss Gale." Peeta states quietly. I nod quickly then hold my breath, expecting things to get awkward but all he does is look at me with raised eyebrows. "That's what this is about? That's what you've been hiding from me?" He lets out a small chuckle.

"You're not…mad?" I ask hesitantly.

He shakes his head. "Katniss, I'd be an awful person to be offended over something so silly."

"Oh…I just thought, you know, that since you two weren't exactly buddies or anything…"

Peeta sighs. "I know we didn't exactly get along. There's a lot of things I regret and the way I acted towards you both is one of them. It was the wrong place and the wrong time to be jealous." He gives an apologetic look.

I shrug. "It's fine. He didn't act any better. Besides, I'm done holding grudges." I mumble.

"You don't sound very convincing…" he prods.

I sigh, frustrated. "I mean it, Peeta. I'm done. I can't…I can't do it anymore. I've lost too many people in my life that mean the world to me, I don't have time for it any more. I'd been mad at Gale for the longest time for something neither of us knew was his fault or not but I was wrong, Peeta. I was foolish." I put my head in my hands. "The last thing he said to me was 'shoot straight'. I didn't even say goodbye. I never attempted to make peace."

I feel Peeta's hands rubbing my back soothingly. "Katniss, you were hurt. Anybody in your position would've reacted the same way." he whispers.

"That doesn't justify it." I sniff. "After all that we've been through, we still needed each other. He was already feeling guilty…he didn't know she was there. I should've thought about these things. He loved Prim. He loved us all. He would've never tried to hurt us on purpose. But I was too busy making accusations to see that."

Peeta lifts my chin up with his finger. "You're being way too hard on yourself for being human." He whispers.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not being hard enough." I admit. I twist around to face him. "I want to find him, Peeta. I know things won't ever be the same but I at least need him to know that I forgive him."

He gives a small, hesitant smile. "Do what you gotta do." He says.

I grab his hand and cling on to it for dear life. "I can't do this without you. Please…stay with me."

Peeta lets go of my hand and wraps his arms around me and I bury my face into his chest. "Always." He replies. I let out a sigh of relief as he kisses the side of my head.

He holds me there for a while as I relive my past memories of Gale. Some good, some that are so painful that I wince. But Peeta is here, for some strange reason he still won't leave me. But that's ok, because I don't know what I'd do if he did.

A long time after, I wipe my eyes and sit up. "I scared the hell out of Haymitch earlier."

"What did you do?" he asked with an amused smile.

"I was walking home and I got so caught up in my memories that I almost got hit by a bulldozer."

Peeta's eyes widen and his smile fades. "Katniss…" he whispers in a pained voice.

"I know, I know. He snatched me up in time. Don't worry, he chewed me out."

"Good." Peeta replies bluntly.

I can't help but chuckle. "We had a long talk. He's going to help me find Gale."

He responds with a silent nod. "I hope you find what you're looking for."

For some reason, I can sense a little bit of an edge in his voice and it bothers me. "Peeta, I'm just looking for peace. I'm not going to lie, I'm still hurting over Prim but I just want to move on. She'd want that."

"I understand, Katniss. You deserve that much. There's plenty of people that I would love to make peace with, especially my family but I can't and I know how frustrating that is." He gives my arm a slight squeeze and the tension disappears. "You can do this."

"What if he doesn't want to make peace?" I admit fearfully.

Peeta strokes my cheek gently. "Then he doesn't know what he's missing by not letting you in again. But Katniss, don't let it get to you. I know that's easier said than done but for right now, try not to look that far ahead. Focus on the here and now. Step by step, remember?"

"Step by step." I exhale.

He smiles then gives me a long, comforting hug. I don't know what's going to happen with all of this. I have an aching, terrible feeling that something is going to go wrong. See the thing is, Gale has seen me for who I really am. He's known me for a long time and I don't know if he'd want me back in his life. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. There's too many painful memories. I try to tell myself that if I can at least let him know that I forgive him, then I can move on. But there's another small part of me that is begging to have my friend back.

"Thank you." I whisper into Peeta's ear before I let go.

He responds by kissing me softly on the forehead. We talk for a while longer, filling each other in since my absence. It feels good to be honest again and to get out all the poison. Judging by the terrors that he's shared with me, he feels the same way. Exposing demons is a lot easier to handle with someone else. Having Peeta here with me is the greatest gift I could ask for. It's almost too much but I'm not complaining. His reaction to Gale still surprises me. I expected him to be angry, defensive, and bitter but I can't find any of those things. Maybe he knows he's won my heart and he's not worried about me deserting him. Or maybe he's just as tired of being angry, defensive and bitter as I am. Maybe it's both. Either way I'm grateful that he's walking with me through this.

* * *

A week has passed and I've been feeling a whole lot better. Haymitch is still watching me like a hawk but that's ok. No word has come up on Gale yet but he's still trying. Things at home have gotten a little better. I even went hunting and brought home some fresh game for Sae. I still talk to Peeta until I can't keep my eyes open. Even though I conquered the bread last week, I haven't attempted a second one. I'll leave that specialty to Peeta. Things seemed to be looking up. Until today when I came home from hunting and I open my door to find Haymitch, Greasy Sae and Peeta sitting in three different places in the living room. This can't be good.

"What's going on?" I ask as I set my bow down.

"Katniss, sit down." Haymitch says in a husky voice.

I back up against the door and shake my head. "Something's wrong. I can feel it."

"Katniss, listen to Haymitch." Peeta whispers in a pained voice.

My body begins to shake and I feel like a trapped animal. "It's Gale, isn't it?" I whisper fearfully.

Haymitch walks over to me and he looks way older than he really is. There's no alcohol on his breath. "Sweetheart, please sit down."

"What's going on, Haymitch?" I ask in a childlike voice.

"Sit down." He orders firmly.

Finally, I obey and take a seat next to Peeta and I latch onto his arm. I try looking at him but he won't meet my eyes. "Haymitch?"

He takes a seat in front of me and with tears in his eyes, he explains something I wasn't prepared for in a million years. "Katniss, Gale's in the burn unit at the hospital. His mother said he's never been the same since the war. She went to check up on him a few days ago and saw flames in the living room along with firefighters and ambulances surrounding his place. He…he poured gasoline on himself and lit a match. They got to him in time but they don't know if he's going to pull through. His burns…they're pretty severe."

Numbness, pure numbness fills my whole body. I can't breathe. I can't think. All I can say is 'no' over and over again. "No, no, no! It's not true!" I shout.

Peeta grabs a hold of me and I fight against him, screaming at the top of my lungs. I scream and wail until my throat is raw. They're trying to comfort me but I can't calm myself down. I scream obscenities. I scream in denial. But most of all, I scream my best friend's name. All I can see is him and my sister, dancing, screaming, and crying in a huge ball of flames.

Finally, I collapse and all I see is darkness. This time it wasn't a nightmare because when I wake, things are still the same. My cheeks are red and my throat raw. My head is in Peeta's lap and Greasy Sae is stroking my hair. They're trying to talk to me but I can't hear them.

Two days pass and I hardly move from my position. All three of them take turns with me, making sure I'm at least going to the bathroom. I try to eat but it comes back up.

Finally, I regain my hearing just in time to hear Haymitch as he kneels in front of me and says, "Gale's mother called. She said he's still not out of the woods but visitors are allowed." He gives me a knowing look. "It's up to you, Sweetheart."

My voice comes out raspy and barely audible. "Get me on the next train."

* * *

**I was never happy with the way things ended between Gale and Katniss, especially when it was never known if it was his bombs or not that killed Prim. But I always imagined it would be a tough burden to live with and I wanted to elaborate on that. Stay tuned! Another update is coming soon!**


	7. Times Are Changing And So Are We

_SO sorry it's taken so long to update this story. Busy, busy, busy summer with work and all. But here it is and I know it's kind of a filler chapter but I promise the real action and drama are coming up in next week's chapter. YES, I promise it will be next week. As long as I have a couple of reviews. If you read the story, please review it!:P And i know I updated this chapter a few days ago but it was at 2am and probably nobody saw it ;)  
_

* * *

My movements are mechanical as I throw clothes into a suit case. I'm battling a constant fit of sniffles and my body hasn't stopped shaking. I was finally able to get myself off the couch, into a shower, and then answered a few phone calls. First one was from Hazelle, who was in hysterics when I answered the phone. It was a painful conversation.

It took me a second to figure out the phone, since I barely use it but I knew the voice as soon as I heard it. "Katniss?" Her voice croaked.

"Hazelle?" my voice came in a whisper.

"I'm so sorry to bother you, dear but Haymitch called and said you were looking for Gale. I assume you know by now but I swear I was going to call you but I didn't know how to get in touch." Her sobbing was breaking my heart and I tried to calm her.

"It's ok, Hazelle. What…what happened exactly? Haymitch told me a little bit but I don't completely understand."

She takes a deep breath and begins a story that breaks my heart into a million pieces. "He hadn't been doing well since the last time you two spoke. He had gotten a new job and had been doing better but something happened and he slipped. He was really quiet, barely eating, barely sleeping and when he did, he had nightmares. He woke up screaming Prim's name almost every time. Dr. Aurelius has tried talking to him but it didn't help much. He shut everyone out, including myself and the kids. He lost a whole bunch of weight. He was killing himself slowly. I…I didn't know what to do. I considered calling you but…I didn't know how you'd react, losing Prim and the way it happened…I didn't know if you'd want to hear from me or not." My stomach constricted painfully and I let out a small gasp but I let her continue. "I hadn't heard from him in a couple of days so I went over to check on him. There were firefighters and ambulances surrounding the place. I ran up to Gale's neighbor and he said he had heard a lot of crashing around for about twenty minutes and then after it got quiet, he saw fire and then heard more screaming. Frank ran over, dragged him out onto the front lawn then used a water hose to put out the fire. He called the police and they rushed down, thankfully we're right down the street and they were able to put out the fire. But Gale had passed out and he's been touch and go ever since. The doctors are doing their best but they don't know what the outcome is going to be. There's still high risks of infection but they're doing all that they can. The police has investigated and they ruled it as an attempted suicide. They…they found a letter in an envelope with your name on it."

I sigh loudly and rub the bridge of my nose. "What did it say?"

"I'm not sure, honey. I didn't think it was my place to open it." she replies.

"How are the kids?" I ask, changing the subject before the guilt could rip me a part.

She sighs loudly. "They're scared. They've been scared for a long time though. To be honest, this whole incident doesn't surprise me. He's been so broken over the whole situation. He tried so hard to move on but he couldn't get past what happened to Prim. She was family to us and he loved her just as much he does Posy. It…it ate him alive. The kids tried talking to him, playing with him like he used to do but he always walked away. He couldn't stand to be around Posy and that was hard on her. She's still too young to understand. The other know though and they've kept their distance. However, this stunt that Gale pulled has not gone over well with them and they're just as worried as I am."

I break then and a sob erupts from my throat. "This is my fault. I should've talked to him sooner. I was trying to get a hold of him to tell him that I forgive him, that I didn't want to hold a grudge any more. I wanted him back. I wanted all of you back. But I was too late. I'm always too late!" I cried loudly and was choking on my tears. "I'm sorry." I cried over and over.

"Honey, calm down." She soothes. "Nobody blames you. This is something that Gale has struggled with for a long time. I'm not sure if he'd listened to you if you'd tried to talk to him. You know Gale just as well as I do…he wouldn't have been satisfied unless he'd punished himself."

I hate to admit but she does have a point. However, it still doesn't change how guilty I feel right now. "If I hadn't blamed him in the first place…if I had just been there for him instead of being so mad over silly, stupid little things…"

"Katniss, don't. What happened, happened. There was nothing you could do. Please, don't let what Gale did destroy you. I don't want the same thing to happen to you." She begs. And for her sake, I end my rant but it doesn't ease how I feel.

"I'm coming." I announce, changing the subject. "I'm getting on the next train over there."

"Katniss, you don't-"

"I'm coming. I need to be there. I don't care what Gale's done, he's still my best friend and I need to be there." I practically beg.

She sighs softly. "We have an extra bed if you need it."

"Thank you." I whisper.

"Get some rest, honey. It's going to be a long ride."

"Hazelle, can I ask you something?" I ask feebly.

"Anything, dear."

"Gale…do you…do you think he's going to make it?"

I hear muffled sigh on the other end. "I don't know, honey. His wounds are pretty bad. His face isn't that bad but he's burnt halfway down his neck to the bottom of his feet. He's holding on so far but the doctors are on their toes watching for infection. They said if he does pull through, he's going to be sick for a while. However, they did say that it could've been a lot worse. We just have to hope for the best." And with that, our conversation was over.

I'm still numb. I'm terrorized by the thought of what Gale did to himself. I shouldn't have let him deal with that guilt on his own. But I did, because that's the kind of person I am. If he dies…that's the end of me.

The one person I want right now isn't here but she's still alive and even though I can't see her in person, I can still hear her voice. So for the first time in months, I call my mother and she answers on the second ring. "Katniss?"

"Mom, I need you." My voice trembles.

"Katniss, what's wrong?" She asks deeply concerned.

And then I explain everything, from what's been going on with me to Gale's attempted suicide. I pour out all my fears and she listens attentively on the other end. She cries with me, saying that though she wondered, she never blamed Gale for Prim's death. She's just as upset as I am. Gale was there for her too, he saved her life more than once. "That was the one thing I had going for me, protecting your family." His words echo loudly in my head and I'm filled with so much guilt that it's killing me. She tries comforting me but I don't think anyone can do that right now.

"I wish you were here." I cry.

"Oh darling, I wish I could be but-"

"I know." I cut her off. "It's just really hard right now."

"I know, honey…but you'll get through this, Katniss. You're strong." She whispers. I know she's at a loss for words trying to comfort me because she knows that she can't. No amount of encouragement can comfort me right now.

"No I'm not, Mom. Not anymore. This is my limit. I can't do it anymore. If he dies…"

"Katniss, don't. You can't go on like this. I know you're stressed and worried but you have got to hang on for Gale. When he pulls through, he's going to need someone to hold on to. You have to be there for him."

"How do you know, Mom? How do you know for sure that he's going to pull through?" I ask timidly.

"I…I don't know," she stutters. "But I hope and you should do the same."

"Hope," I scoff sarcastically. "Where has hope ever got me?"

"Oh Katniss," she says warily. "I'm coming."

My eyes shoot wide open. "You're what?"

"I'm coming. I'll meet you there. That is…if you want me to." She says unsurely.

I rub my forehead, suddenly irritated. "I've needed you since Dad died and you're choosing now to suddenly start being there for me? Where were you when I needed you? Like when Prim died and you left me for some stupid hospital job. You know if it hadn't been for Peeta, I'd be dead right now!" I'm screaming into the phone but I don't even care right now. I'm hurt and mad as hell and I just can't hold it back anymore. "I needed you! I've always needed you but you always leave me to bare all this pain alone. But you choose now? Now, Mom? Really?"

I can almost imagine her sitting at the counter with her head in her hands, trying to figure out what to say. But what's really going through her head? Does she regret it? Is she angry at me? At herself? Does any of it even matter to her?

"I'm glad Peeta helped you-" she starts but I interrupt her.

"No, Mom. No, you don't get it. Yes, he helped me but I didn't want him. I wanted you. I wanted my mother, is that too much to ask?!" I finally have to stop but my throat is raw and I'm choking on my tears.

"Honey, I'm sorry." She whispers sadly. "I know I haven't been there for you or Prim and you have every right to be upset. I understand if you don't want anything to do with me-"

"You still don't get it, do you?" I interrupt quietly. "I still need you. I'll always need you but I've given up hoping that you'll somehow be there. Hope gets me nowhere. So to answer your question, Mom, no, I don't need you to come." And with that, I slam the phone down and slump down to the door.

I realize what I just did…that I totally just called up my mother and took out my pain on her when my intention for calling in the first place was because I needed her. I really am disgusting. "Dammit!" I screamed into the empty kitchen, my voice echoing loudly and causing Buttercup, who was sitting on the counter, to jump and hiss at the intensity of the strange noise.

Stupid cat, I thought hatefully. Oh God, what is wrong with me? I'm taking my frustrations on innocent people and animals. I need to just stop right now. So wiping the remainder of my tears, I stomp up to my room and throw the rest of my clothes into the suitcase. Its sloppy but I really don't care right now.

I hear footsteps then a knock at my bedroom door. "Now is not a good time, I'm in a really pissy mood and I really don't want to hurt anyone else." I try to say as calm as I can but it was all I could do to not snap at the person on the other side of the door.

I head the door open and I whip around to see Haymitch standing in the doorway. "Take your best shot, Sweetheart." He challenges.

I open my mouth, yet all I want to do is cry, as usual. I shake my head and continue shoving miscellaneous things into my suitcase. I feel Haymitch behind me, watching me and for some reason, I feel self-conscious. "Why are you here?" I ask bluntly.

"Thought you could use some company." He says as he takes a seat in a chair by the door.

"You thought wrong." I grumbled moodily. "I can't seem to say anything nice right now so you should probably leave."

Haymitch smirks. "You're beginning to sound like me, without the warning." I give him my best glare and he shakes his head.

"I really don't need your sarcasm right now, Haymitch." I snap while slamming my suitcase. "I've got enough on my plate."

"You act like it's such a terrible thing to be in a bad mood." He says.

I whip around. "Because it is! I just went off on my mother when I was the one who called to say that I needed her. She offered to come but I just had to get an attitude and shut her out, just like I did everyone else." Angry tears begin to slide down my cheeks. "I was wrong."

Haymitch gets up then sits next to me on my bed. "You still have them, Katniss. You may only have fragments but that's something. You think you've lost everything…" I look up and his eyes are somber. I suddenly realize that I'm looking into the eyes of a man who literally has lost everything. All of his family…gone. Forever. Not coming back. Not even a fragment to hold onto. "You have a whole lot more than you realize. And as far as your attitude goes, anybody who truly knows you knows that you only strike out when you're hurt. We're just as torn and broken as you are, Katniss. We understand and that's why we haven't left your ass."

I've never had a down to earth conversation with Haytmitch. Our conversations usually consist of yelling or arguing of some sort. I've spent so much time being angry with him that I haven't even considered asking him questions, assuming that he would just shrug me off and go back to his drink.

After a brief silence, I ask in a timid whisper, "What's it like? You know, losing your whole family?"

Haymitch sighs then looks at me with pained eyes. "Doesn't my drinking explain that enough?" he whispers but then replies, "There's not enough alcohol in the world to take away the pain of losing them. It's a feeble attempt at trying to block them from my memory but it will never completely get rid of the memories I have of them and of Snow." Haymitch looks at the window across the room that overlooks his house. "I've chosen a shitty way to cope instead of living for them. Every day I had told myself in the morning that this would be the day that I stopped, that I would pull myself together and get through it. Sadly, I didn't have anyone around me that cared to snap my ass back into shape."

He looks at me warily and for the first time, I truly understand why Haymitch is the way he is. I see the pain, the loss, and the rage that's so deeply embedded in his eyes. I used to think they reflected my own but it runs much deeper than my own. But pain is pain, right? We all go through it and bare its burdens. However, it doesn't do any good to throw a pity party for anyone, especially for Haymitch. All you can do is be there for the other person. I now understand why he's put so much effort into saving Peeta and I, because at some point, you just get tired of seeing people die and the few people that are left, you do everything in your power to save them. This changes my view of Haymitch. I don't see a lonely drunk any more. I see a man that has been just as broken as I've been, who's suffered his share of war, Games and loss. A man that has risked my life to save it.I don't have pity for him anymore. I have respect.

So with a firm, final snap of my suitcase, I nod then stand straighter than I have in a long time. "Thank you…for staying with us through everything." I say in an awkward whisper. It's only a fraction of what I really want to say.

Haymitch smiles sadly. "Make it worth it, Katniss," is all he says before standing up and stretching.

I notice that he noticed have drink his hand and hasn't had one in a couple days. I decide to voice my curiosity. "Your hands are empty and your eyes are clear." I state plainly.

He looks down at his hands then his gaze meets my own. "Better late than never." He says quietly but with so much meaning in his voice. I smile tenderly and silently wish him good luck on his road to recovery. It's weird to think of Haymitch of being someone that's anyone but a drunk but I can't say much. Everything is changing, including ourselves.

About an hour later, I'm packed and waiting with Haymitch and Peeta at the train station. It's about nine thirty in the morning and will take two days to get to District 2. It was decided that Peeta would my traveling companion. At first, I didn't offer because I know he and Gale weren't exactly friends but he chooses to go to keep me company on the long train ride and though nobody says it, to be my anchor in case something happened to Gale. It would be a long, sad and frustrating journey without him with me and he knows that. The fact that he chooses to push his feelings aside and to stay with me through this means a lot to me, though he'll mostly be on the sidelines. If Gale comes through, we're going to have a long and probably frustrating talk. To be thankful that he's alive then chew him out for the stunt he pulled but then hopefully work through that to the road to true repentance and forgiveness. This is what I'm hoping for. A successful mission. But if it ends in tragedy, I'm going to need a pair of warm, comforting arms to hold me on our way home.

As the train whistles in the distance, announcing it's arrival, my eyes widen in a realization that I hadn't even considered. I whip around to Haymitch. "I'm not supposed to be going…I'm supposed to be confined to District 12." I say frantically and Peeta's gaze turns worried.

But Haymitch, he just smirks. "Since when have you ever followed the rules?"

He has a point but I shake my head. "We could get into trouble."

He waves his hand dismissively. "It's already been worked out. They're expecting you. Go do what you need to do."  
Tears fall down my face and suddenly, I find myself throwing myself at Haymitch and engulfing him in a huge hug. There's no telling what he had to do to get me on the train but I know it's too much and I will never be able to repay him. He stiffens under my firm grip but then slowly returns my embrace and pats me on the back. When the train approaches, he releases me and says, "Good luck."

I thank him then quickly board the train with Peeta. Once our luggage is stored away, I take a seat next to the window and as the train begins to move, I watch as Haymitch waves us off. Our conversations echo in my mind and I can't but wish that he was coming too because even though the Games are, he's still my mentor. He, like Peeta, has been there with me from the very beginning. The train feels empty without him but I quickly shrug off the memories and find myself extremely tired all the sudden. I look at Peeta, who offers a sad, tired smile then opens his arms to me. I don't object and I instantly melt into his embrace. This is my shelter, my comfort zone, the one place that I can find peace, even if it is temporary. I silently cry into his shoulder, releasing the pain that I've been holding on to for the past couple of days. I'm tired physically and emotionally and I don't have the strength to move even if I wanted to. Peeta rocks me gently and strokes my hair gently over and over, occasionally whispering comforting words into my ear. For the moment, I'm at peace. I don't the strength for worry right now. All I can do is rest and hope for tomorrow to be kinder.

I awaken from a nightmare hours later with a start. I don't even remember what it is was about, something about Gale and Prim but it sends me into a state of shivers and cold sweats. Peeta's arms are immediately wrapped around me and I welcome them, burying my face down to escape the horrifying images.

In the dead of night, when all is silent and dark, I randomly ask, "Why are you here?" My voice holds no venom but genuine curiosity.

He pulls away then looks me in the eye. "Because I wanted to be here to protect you in case anything happens."

"Why?" My voice so small and childlike.

Peeta smiles softly then strokes my cheek. "Because that's what we do. We protect each other." He whispers tenderly.

Tears threaten my eyes and my throat so I do nothing but simply nod and rest my head on his shoulder.

The rest of the train ride goes by fairly fast. To ward off any anxiety, I make myself focus on other stuff such as small talk with Peeta and the other passengers. We play a few rounds of Real or Not Real, talk about our old lives which I find strangely comforting instead of being painful. I watch Peeta as he sketches random things such as landscapes or little things around District 12. But it doesn't matter how random or little they are because Peeta always manages to make them look more beautiful than they are in real life. It doesn't surprise me though. It's something the old Peeta would always do. Take something so simple or broken and bring such beauty and life out of it. I smile to myself as he does that not just with paintings but with people too, myself included.

I'm in total contentment when I feel the train start coming to a halt. I look out the window and see the familiar scenery of District 2. I look to Peeta but he's busy packing away his sketching materials. So I turn my attention to the station we're approaching and almost immediately I'm greeted by the site of an aching familiar family known as the Hawthornes. They're expressions are excited but behind that, you can the intense worry and grief sketch into their faces. I'm itching to get off the train and wrap them in a big hug. It's been so long, too long. I just wish we didn't have to unite under such circumstances.

But what really gets my attention is the woman standing next to them with an anxious and nervous look on her face as she wrings her hands together. I know that habit because I do the same exact thing when I'm nervous or scared.

The doors barely have enough time to open before I bolt off the train, leaving my luggage behind, and throw myself into the arms of my mother.


	8. A New Battle

_Again, sorry its taken so long! Bad case of writer's block, which sadly will probably show in this chapter :P thanks for being patient though!  
_

* * *

My mother jumps, startled at my sudden impact but I don't care, I squeeze her more because I'm so relieved that she didn't listen to me. Despite my past resentment, I can't deny that all I wanted was her. I remind myself of a child when they're hurt and all they want is their mother. It's a mystery to me how right now I can only find comfort in my mother's arms instead of Peeta's. Sure, he cushioned the blow but it's not the same. Perhaps it's because she was just as close to Gale as I was. He took care of them while I was gone and a long time before that. I know my mother and though she probably had her own suspicions about the bomb that killed Prim and had the ability to shut him out, she wouldn't have the heart to completely hate him. I'm a lot like my mother than I like to admit.

"I'm sorry." I cried into her shoulder. I pull away to look at her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it…what I said. It just…all piled up…and Gale…I feel awful…I'm worried-" I'm sputtering and choking on my sobs and not making much sense but I can't control it. I'm a complete mess.

"Shhh," she interrupts my sobbing and wipes the tears that are flooding my face.

"Mama, I'm scared." I whisper in a very small childlike voice.

The main thing that I love about my mother is that she doesn't sugarcoat things. She doesn't say that everything will be ok when she doesn't know. She doesn't make promises she can't keep. However, she is here and for right now, that is all I need.

She cups my face into her hands and with a forlorn look on her face, she says, "I know, honey. I'm scared too. We all are. But, we will get through this, just like we have everything else." She then kisses my forehead and pulls me back into her arms.

I cry harder, making sure that I get everything out here before we head anywhere else. We stand there for I don't know how long, holding each other even after I've finished crying. I didn't plan on acting this way. It wasn't rehearsed like this. But I guess my heart is tired of everything being rehearsed and the brokenness finally won over.

"Is she crying because she missed her mama?" asked an innocent little voice whom I assumed came from Posey, Gale's little sister.

"Yes, dear." Hazelle answers in a simply yet sad voice.

Their quiet conversation brought me back to reality and I slowly pull from my mother, wipe the remaining tears from my face and whisper, "Thank you for coming."

She smiles softly and replies, "Of course."

I turn to Hazelle, who looks so much older now. All the stress from over these past few years have finally edge it's way across her face and into her eyes. My heart goes out to her. She's always been like a second mother to me. She was there when my own mother wasn't. She encouraged me to never give up, to hang on just a little bit longer and as I take my turn wrapping my arms around her waist, I intend to do the same.

She sheds her own tears into my shoulder as I hold on to her but I haven't any more of my own. I know she's worried more than the rest of us though. That's her son and her rock. Hazelle and Gale have always been really close and if he should die…well, I honestly don't know what the outcome would be but I know it wouldn't be good.

After we finally let go, I embrace the kids and try to tell them we'll get through and what's amazing is that they're being so brave about it all. Even little Posey, who loves Gale to death, is being stronger than the rest of us. Maybe it's because they have to be. I mean, everyone else around them has fallen apart. If they're not, who will? I feel a twinge of guilt. Mostly because I understand.

"Gale's going to be ok, Katniss," says the little girl with big grey eyes and an innocent smile. I can't tell if she's trying to reassure me or herself but I offer a smile in return. Oh sweet Posey, I hope you're right.

I walk back over to Hazelle and ask, "How is he?"

Her expression lightens up a bit. "He's not out of the woods yet but he's responding well to treatment. Everyday his chances of recovery are looking better. The skin grafts and medicine are doing their job well and so far, there's no sign of infection.

I nod and release a sigh of relief. But then I notice everyone's lack of response and I don't like the way Hazelle is wringing her hands. She only does that when something is wrong. I step in front of her and she avoids my gaze. "Hazelle, what's wrong?"

I feel my mother's hands on my shoulder and I look up at her. "Gale is awake, which is good but he's not talking to anyone. Not the doctors. Not Hazelle. Not anybody."

"The doctors think that he's slipped into a major depression and that aside from surviving the fire, it's essential for him to respond physiologically as well. In other words, Gale has to have the will to fight. If he gives up…then, he won't have a chance." Hazelle explains.

My blood runs cold and I shake my head violently. "Don't say that!" I nearly yell.

Hazelle's eyes go somber. "Honey, I know it's hard but-"

"No! You don't know. You don't know what it's like to go through hell like that. You can't…you can't just give up on him!" My hands are trembling and I can't believe that just a few minutes ago I couldn't wait to see them. Now, I couldn't stand to be around either of them. "I can't believe you'd actually even consider it. You're wrong! You're wrong because I know what it's like to be burned up and left without hope and the only thing that can possibly help you is people who are so damn stubborn enough to not let you go. It's hard and miserable and sometimes, it takes months and months before you get a response but you don't ever, ever give up!" Angry tears flood my face and I'm shaking all over. "I started this mess and I'll clean it up and I'll do it with or without your help. I didn't come here for nothing. Gale will pull through and we'll get through this together. I'm not giving up on him."

I finally finish my rant and it seems to have gotten their attention. Hazelle wipes her tears away and takes a deep breath. "We're on your side, Katniss. We'll do whatever it takes." She whispers and my mother agrees.

I nod, my hands still shaking. "I'm going to get my luggage." I mumble then stomp off towards the train.

Peeta, who'd been sitting on the sidelines, finally speaks up. "Wow," is all he says.

I furrow my eyebrows together. "Wow what?"

He shakes his head and smiles. "I can see why you were chosen as the Mockingjay."

"What are you talking about?" I ask impatiently.

"You're a natural leader. You're relentless, never giving up, especially on the ones you love. You inspire people, Katniss."

I roll my eyes. "It shouldn't take me getting in their faces to tell them that they shouldn't give up on him. It shouldn't be a natural thing to never give up on your child but I guess for them, it's not!" I snap.

Peeta takes a few steps towards me. "Come on, Katniss. Lighten up. Hazelle is scared out of her mind. She feels hopeless. The last thing she needs right now is someone giving her the cold shoulder."

"But it shouldn't be my job to tell someone to not give up on their child when they're hanging on by a thread, Peeta. You just do it!" I say exasperated, the fight leaving me.

"Sometimes we need a little more help, Katniss. Sometimes we're not strong enough to do it on our own." I try to avoid his gaze but he lifts up my chin. "You should know."

I shrug him off and whisper, "It's not that I don't want to be strong for them. I _need_ them to be strong for me. I can't be the Mockingjay anymore, Peeta! I've been going and going and I just can't go anymore. I hate being rude and selfish and I know I shouldn't take my anger out on them but right now, I'm scared and worried and I just need someone to stand up and help me through this. I love my mother but ever since Dad died I'm the one who's had to be strong and I just can't do it anymore. I can't have Hazelle giving up on me too. I'm not strong enough to bare it on my own."

I feel exhausted now. All the pain and frustration has taken it out of me. Peeta gently grabs my face in his hands and says, "You don't have to. That's why I'm here."

I close my eyes and press my cheek against his hand. "Why are you doing this, Peeta? Why are you always there, protecting and helping me? Gale means nothing to you."

Peeta kisses my forehead softly. "Because I promised you that I'd always be there. This isn't an exception." He says. "Besides, Gale may not be a close friend but he did help us win this war and there was one thing we both agreed on and that was keeping you safe. He was protecting you long before I was. He was there when I couldn't be. If it hadn't been for him, you may not be alive. I owe him a lot for that."

Damn tears. Why do I have to be such an emotional wreck? It's not fair. I'm not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to be pushing aside my feelings, be stubborn and press on. But all the fight in me is gone and all I can do is trust Peeta and let him help me get through this. I'm done arguing about the facts. They don't matter. Being mad at my mom and Hazelle isn't going to solve anything and neither is wishing that Peeta had come to this conclusion a long time ago. We need each other. We can't afford any more division.

So pushing my bitter thoughts away, I simply nod my head, gather my luggage, slip my free hand into Peeta's then walk back to where everyone is waiting for us. My mother has a scared and worried look on her face and I know it's because she's afraid of what's going to come out of my big mouth. Truth be told, so am I.

Peeta saves me by smiling charmingly at my mother and she returns it gratefully. "It's nice to see you again, Mrs. Everdeen." He greets sweetly and pulls her into a gentle hug.

"Likewise, Peeta." She replies quietly then pulls away and looks at him approvingly. "You've grown quite a bit since I've seen you. You look good."

"I feel good." He says with a weary smile. I can tell he's just as exhausted as I am.

While they make small talk, I glance over at Hazelle and see that she's looking nervously at Peeta. In all the chaos that was going on, I forgot to tell her that he was coming. I walk over to her and say, "I'm sorry, Hazelle, I should've told you. He's here because of me. I needed someone to help me through this. I promise he's not here to cause any trouble."

Hazelle still looks a bit skeptical. "I don't know, Katniss. I don't think it'd be good for Gale. He had a lot of regrets concerning you two, specifically regretting the way he acted during such an inappropriate time. He says you did the right thing by choosing Peeta." Hazelle looks sad and I feel horrible for it. I can imagine it now…Gale sitting in a chair in a corner, mumbling endlessly about all of his regrets, the worried expression on Hazelle's face, not knowing what to do or how to bring out of the depression that's sucked him. This is what the war has done to us. It's a cycle I'm very familiar with. All of us have been through it. Me, Peeta, Haymitch, and Annie, we're all familiar with this vicious cycle of torment and regret. The only difference is that we've had each other to get through it. We've all taken turns listening to each other's thoughts of losing loved ones, terrifying and near death moments in the arena and the war. We've all had a shoulder to cry on. But Gale…he had no one. No one that could ever understand, anyway. No one to share his pain with. He either shut people out or we, more so, I, shut him out. And with no one to help you through the pain…well, the odds aren't in your favor.

I sigh heavily. "There's no denying that I should've been there before this happened. Maybe we could have avoided this whole thing but it doesn't matter. What's done is done. Gale almost killed himself because he had no one that understood what he was going through. That's a fact because I've been there. I shouldn't have waited so long."

"Katniss-"

"No," I interrupted. "I'm here to clean up this mess. I will get through to him. It's going to be long and hard but I promise that I will not give up until I bring him back." I look at Peeta, who is still in deep conversation with my mother. "I won't bring Peeta into the picture until Gale is well enough but he is a part of this. There's things that we all need to get out in the open. Denying that we're not hurt will not help anything, it just makes the wound deeper. It's time that we all come to terms with the past so that we can move on. It needs happen, Hazelle. If it doesn't, we won't make it."

Hazelle's eyes water as she nods. "Do what you have to do, honey. I know I'll never be able to fully understand but know that you have my love and support."

I offer a small smile. "That's all that I ask."

Hazelle kisses my cheek then squeezes my arm. I give her one more smile then walk over to my mother. Peeta gives me a look that warns me not to say anything stupid and I make sure I heed it. In fact, I have something else weighing on my mind. "Mom," she looks up slowly at me and my eyes begin to water. I never meant to hurt her. "Can we start over…please?" I nearly beg.

Relief floods her face and she answers by bringing me into a hug. I stiffen then return her embrace. "I love you," I mumble into her shoulder. "I don't tell you enough but I do." She holds me tighter and repeats my words. There's something about this confession that comforts me and allows to let go of some of the bitterness that I've been holding against her. Perhaps it's because I've seen what it does and the result isn't pretty. It's practically deadly and I've seen enough death to last me a lifetime.

I finally let go, wipe away my tears and whisper, "Thank you for coming."

She kisses my forehead in response. My mother is a woman of few words but I understand her.

When all is said and done, reunions and introductions aside, Hazelle suggests that we get back to the house so that Peeta and I can drop off our stuff and settle in. However, I don't plan on staying at the house long. I need to see Gale as soon as possible. I can't wait any longer. I don't care if he doesn't say anything to me or if we don't get anywhere today. I just need to be with him and nothing will stop me. Everyone, including Peeta, understands that.

As we begin our short journey to the Hawthorne's house, I grab Peeta's free hand and he squeezes my own reassuringly. As we walk down the street, I can't help but think of what this trip has done to me. My emotions are similar to an out of control roller coaster. From wanting to forgive to saying vicious and deadly words to feeling completely confused to being brave then all too often feeling weighed down with guilt. Mentally, it's exhausting and I can't help but think that it's going to get worse before it gets better. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not alone through this. Pride plays a big part in this. It's not the first time either and I have to constantly ward it off. You know what they say, "pride comes before the fall." It's a lot easier said than done.

My thoughts keep me company until we've reached our destination. A beautiful two story house nestled in a quiet neighborhood just a block away from the train station. It reminds me slightly of the houses in Victor's Village but then I remember this is District 2. Extravagant houses like these are common throughout the whole district.

Hazelle invites us in and shows us around. The house is pretty much empty despite some furniture. It doesn't look like it's been lived in that long at all. It feels strange yet at the same time it has Hazelle's touch. "It's not quite home yet but it's getting there." Hazelle says, interrupting my thoughts.

"It's beautiful." I reply shortly.

Hazelle wastes no time showing us our rooms. As I said before, this house is huge and the five big bedrooms do not surprise me one bit. Hazelle shares a room with Posey because she's still young and doesn't want to leave her mother yet, Rory and Vick have their own room which leaves two guest bedrooms, one which has one queen bed and the other has two twin beds. It's been decided that for now, Peeta and I will take the room with the twin beds and my mother will take the other. Once again Hazelle is skeptic but we compromise by agreeing that if Gale were to come home, we'd make other living arrangements but that's a bridge that we will cross when it comes to it.

Peeta and I make small talk while we unpack our things but after about thirty minutes I grow restless. "I need to see his house." I blurt out randomly.

Peeta looks up while unpacking his suitcase, a question creased in his face.

"I need to see his house." I repeat.

"Katniss, we just got here. Don't you-" he stops when he sees the expression on my face. A mixture of pain, fear, desperation and a longing to know the truth.

"Please." I whisper a small childlike plea. "I need to see it for myself."

A moment passes before Peeta finally nods as he shuts his suitcase then comes over to where I'm standing and grabs my hand. "Come on." He says softly then leads me downstairs to where Hazelle and my mother are having a conversation while tea brews on the stove. Just like the old days. Some things just never change.

Peeta clears his throat, earning their attention then he waits for me to speak up. "I want to see it…Gale's place." I say timidly.

Hazelle's eyebrows furrow together. "Katniss, I don't think that's a good idea. You just arrived and it might be too-"

"Much," I finish for her. "I don't care. I need to see it. Please…I won't be able to sleep until I do. You don't have to go, just tell me where it is." I insist.

She lets out a long, tired sigh before giving in. "Down the street, take a left, fourth house on the right."

"Thank you." I reply shortly.

"Katniss," my mother speaks up. I turn around to face her. "I'd rather you not go alone. It might be too much for you to handle in one day."

I grip Peeta's hand tighter and look at him. "I never planned on it." I say, never breaking eye contact.

Peeta kisses my hand gently. "I'll take care of her." He promises more to me than the others.

Mom and Hazelle nod their approval, traces of worry still in their expressions. Is it really that bad?

Before we leave, Hazelle calls after me. "Katniss," I turn around. Her eyes are somber. "Above the fire place…there's a letter…it's the one that was supposed to be for you. It's never been opened. Read it if you want but do so at your own risk."

I heed her warning then walk out the door. Not trusting my voice or my balance, I slip my arm completely around Peeta, hinting that I need his support. Taking my hint, he slips his arm around my waist and lets me lean on him as he leads me outside. My steps are shaky and I feel slightly lightheaded but I push it aside. It's just nerves. I don't know what I'll find and I'm not sure if I want to.

It feels a lot like going into an arena.

Yes. The shaky, nervous and terrifying feeling I feel before going into the Games is back and in a way, it is a Game. Even though President Snow is dead, he left his mark and legacy behind. Lives have been shaken and changed forever because of him. I'm still fighting for my life and the ones around me. The only difference is that this fight doesn't end in two weeks. No. This battle is for a lifetime.

It's Peeta who pays attention, making sure we follow the right directions and that I don't trip over anything. His grip on me is firm, steady, gentle and comforting. I'm grateful because upon realizing this, I've lost all focus.

That is until we stop. I begin to ask why then realize that we've arrived at our destination.

From the outside, you wouldn't think that anything happened to it but then I begin to see the details that say that Hazelle's story is true. The broken front window with the outside singed black and the remaining glass scattered on the lawn. There's an eeriness surrounding the area that you cannot miss and sends vicious chills down my spine.

Without looking at Peeta, who no doubt sees what I'm feeling right now, I grip his arm tightly and walk inside. I'm greeted by what looks like a war zone. No exaggeration, I know what a war zone looks like. The whole inside of the living room is either black with soot or ruined from the fire. There's glass everywhere from the windows and from what I'm guessing a few vases. A few chairs are thrown about, a mirror smashed, a broken table and trash littered everywhere. And then something I'm very familiar with. Ashes…a very thick layer of it too.

Shock is an understatement. My words can't describe how I feel. Devastated, angry, hurt, mortified, guilty and much more. "Oh my god." I gasp.

I feel Peeta's hands begin to shake and I jump back immediately. I didn't even consider that this may be a trigger for him. "Peeta, are you ok?" I ask worried.

Peeta shakes his head sadly. "I'm fine. It's just so…surreal." He whispers. Even Peeta, who was at odds with Gale, doesn't have the heart to completely hate him.

I nod, not knowing what to say. Then I remember what Hazelle said about a letter and I walk over to the fireplace. Sure enough, there is an envelope with my name on it. I hesitantly pick it up and it shakes wildly in my hands.

"Are you sure?" I hear Peeta ask in the background.

I respond with a quick nod then slowly tear open the envelope that's been singed on the edges and pull out the piece of paper inside. I never knew that something as flimsy as words on paper could wreck me so much.

_Dear Katniss,  
Who knows how many times I have tried writing this letter. I just can't seem to find the right words to say. Maybe it's because there are none. There are no words that can describe the sorrow and guilt that I carry every day. Not to mention the nightmares that haunt me every night, reminding me of what I've done. This is the worst torture anybody could ever endure. I can't even write her name, much less talk about her. My thoughts race of what I should've and shouldn't have done. How I could've saved her. How I should have been there for her. Because that was always my role. Keeping her safe. Keeping all of you safe. And I failed. I know it's because of my failure that I've lost you. I don't blame you though and I don't want you blaming yourself over what happened. It was my mistake and I've paid the consequences. I'm putting an end to both of our misery and I think this punishment is fair enough._

However, there is one last thing that I have to say. It's because of you that people have a chance at new life. While there was so much destruction in the process, there is hope for a brighter future. I've always admired your courage and strength, even from when we were kids. You're a fighter and a survivor. I've never seen you give up, even when it was so tempting and easy to do so. It's your faith and determination that put an end to this war. The people who laid down their lives for you believed in you and I assure you that their sacrifice was not in vain.

I know you're not into sappy words like these but I could not rest until I wrote this. My biggest hope for you is to be happy, no matter where you are or who it is with. You've fought long and hard, you deserve it. And maybe somewhere down the road, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me and be able to make peace with your past.

Your old friend  
Gale Hawthorne

I'm gasping for air as the tears in my throat choke me. My knees have given in and my face is now the carpet. One hand clutches the letter as tight as it can and the other braces myself against the floor. Everything is constricted and hurting really bad. Memories are pouring in rapidly and my emotions are sky high. Peeta is calling my name but I can't answer. I'm beating the floor as hard as I can and wailing at the top of my lungs. Gale's words crashed into me like huge waves and I can't seem to catch my breath.

What shocks me is that instead of trying to comfort me and pick me up, Peeta simply lies next to me on the floor, pulls me to his chest and cries with me, our tears soaking the ashes beneath. I cry and wail until my throat is raw and there are no more tears left. I'm left shaking and whimpering. This is the most weak and vulnerable I've been since Prim died. I have to keep reminding myself that Gale is still alive but after reading the letter, it feels like he's already dead.

I never thought I'd react this way but it does make sense. You can't be best friends and face the battles we have ever since we were little and not shed a single tear. People like that mean the world to you, no matter what they've done. Right now, the possibility of Gale's bomb killing Prim is far, far away in the back of my mind. I don't care about it. All I want is Gale. I want to tell him that I forgive him and that it isn't his fault. I want to hold him and pull him through this mess because I've been there and I know the way out. I want him to live.

I slowly lift myself off the ground and I swear, my body feels like it's been shot. I feel shaky and heavy. But there is Peeta, my faithful friend, to help me up. I stop midway up and grab his arms, willing him to look at me. I refer back to my revelation that I had earlier and pour out every single detail to Peeta. How I feel, how all of this relates back to the Games and how we will never leave. All of it. He listens until I am finally finished. Tears cloud my vision but my voice is strong. "We can't let him win, Peeta" I say, referring to President Snow.

Peeta, though his words are few, they're just as strong as mine. "We won't. We'll get through this. Just like we have everything else." He says determinedly.

And with that, he pulls me to my feet and we walk out of the ashes with a new battle to overcome.

* * *

**A little dark i know but it'll get better! i promise!**


End file.
